Magic Mike came out recently. I haven’t seen it. Apparently it’s suprisingly good… by which I mean people are shocked that it’s not the worst thing to happen to cinema since forever. So, why am I blogging about a film I haven’t seen? Because all the press photos have brought something of grave importance to my attention. That something is: Matthew McConaughey’s freakishly tiny dinosaur arms. Yes, I am being serious. Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands right now. No, I will not get a “real” job. Seriously though. I know I’m not the first person to notice this. I know this because as soon as I jumped on Google to find more pictures of Matthew McConaughey, it auto-completed to “has short arms.” Further experimentation revealed that it also churns out “has tiny arms” and “dinosaur arms”. (Hours of fun to be had.)
Why is this so interesting to me? Well, to start with, let’s take a look at the man, shall we?
Look at this shit. This is the kind of man that women’s magazines tell you that you’re supposed to be in love with. He’s tanned. His jawline is very square. He cleans up alright in a suit (although I’m not really sure what’s going on with that one up there cos it looks like something I bought at a charity store one time). He looks good enough with some stubble that you’re supposed to feel like maybe it would be OK getting a facial rash after making out in the back of his car for an hour (not that that is ever a thing that has happened to me, cough). The bit that we’re all supposed to really enjoy though, is the washboard stomach. It’s everywhere in Magic Mike and, oh, I dunno…EVERY OTHER MOVIE THE MAN HAS EVER DONE. In case you’ve never seen anything he’s done – I wouldn’t blame you, he’s not got a great track record – this is what he looks like without a shirt on:
In fact, judging by my Google searches the man may not actually own any shirts. Perhaps they all died in a horrific shirt-related fire. Maybe that’s why no one talks about it? Maybe I am getting off topic? Moving on.
You will notice that I have helpfully removed all of his arms in these photos. That’s because I want you to understand that, looking at him without arms you may think “Oh. That’s a bit of alright. I don’t know what she’s whinging about. Maybe she just doesn’t understand that men are supposed to be blonde, chiselled muscle creatures who apparently never grew any body hair and prance around in leather cowboy outfits.” BUT YOU ARE SO VERY WRONG!! Lurking in the outer edge of these cropped photos are some ludicrously out of proportion arms. They are just as toned and tanned as every other part of him. They’re just much, much smaller. I have compiled the best examples into a photo collage.
First of all, who does this many shirtless exercises in a public space? And second, DO YOU SEE IT!? DO YOU!? Look at the jogging photos, especially. You look at it, you think “Oh it’s fine. Nothing to see here.” And then you stare a little harder. And you realise: Matthew McConaughey has the teeny tiny arms of a velociraptor. At any second he could just break into a run and hunt you down and destroy you using only his mouth and very powerful legs, because his arms are too small to really do anything. How does he hug his wife and child? How does he eat? Does he have to lean in really far to turn on light switches? How does he reach the top shelf in the cupboard?
OK. I am exaggerating slightly. But his arms are really small and I’ve had a lot of coffee. Anyway, that’s it. That’s the gag. I’m sorry. If you want to see more of his freakish arms, Magic Mike is in cinemas everywhere.