Perks of Being a Wallflower: The Review

You may remember that a couple of months ago I wrote a longish post about the trailer for Perks of Being a Wallflower and my all-consuming love of Ezra Miller and his perfect goddamn face. Let’s just take a moment, shall we?

I’m just going to leave this here. Again. So handsome.

Well today I finally got to see the movie. I have feelings. A lot of feelings. It was a really, really lovely film. I’m blogging about something I like again. Twice in a month! It’s absolute mayhem here. So, before we go on I’m just going to reiterate the fact that you should definitely read this book before you see the film. You should read this book generally.

For those of you who haven’t followed the advice in the last paragraph, Perks of Being a Wallflower follows the story of Charlie, played by Logan Lerman, a freshman in high school who is shy, friendless and struggling with depression. One day he musters up the courage to talk to Patrick (Ezra Miller), a flamboyant oddball from his shop class. Suddenly, for the first time ever, he has friends – including Sam (Emma Watson), Patrick’s step-sister, with whom he very quickly falls madly in love. In short, it’s a brilliant coming of age story.

Now, I am aware that reading through that plot summary makes the whole affair sound like some sort of dreadful cliché but I promise the film has depth. It certainly helps that Stephen Chobsky, the novel’s original author, wrote and directed the screen play. Chbosky has said on a number of occasions that the book is semi-autobiographical. His emotional involvement with his subject brings even the supporting characters a life of their own. Charlie cares about them so they’re important.

The cast are perfect. I was a little bit worried about Emma Watson. Maintaining an American accent for an entire film is hard and I’d never seen her in anything other than the Harry Potter films (because I’m lazy and didn’t go and watch My Week With Marilyn) so I had no idea if she could be anything other than Hermione Granger. But I was pleasantly surprised. Logan Lerman didn’t disappoint as Charlie. He’s beautifully awkward even as he’s starting to come into himself. Ezra Miller is, of course, brilliant as Patrick. I’m not just saying that because he’s the most handsome human being ever to handsome, either (although he obviously is). I mentioned it in the last post and I’ll say it again, Patrick is one of my favourite characters. He’s gay but that’s not all he is. I’ve seen a few reviews criticising his place is the film as being something of a prop for the straight characters and as a ‘token LGBT stereotype’. I don’t think this is the case. Yes, he’s camp and yes, there is the tragic story of the doomed romance with the football player but those plot lines aren’t the focus. The focus is on how good he is at being himself. You look at him and you know that things are going to be OK. That’s what Charlie needs and that’s what the teen audience needs as well. Ezra Miller makes him explode with personality and potential (and also handsomeness). Special high fives go to Mae Whitman (who you may remember from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World) as Mary Elizabeth, a punk who eventually wants to retire to a big house in Cape Cod once she’s “done with activism.” She’s really excellent.

My only criticism of the film isn’t really a criticism at all. I’ve noticed that a lot of the negative reviews for Perks of Being a Wallflower tend to call the film “melodramatic teen angst”. I have also noticed that these reviewers tend to be a little older, so I’m just going to put it out there: these people may not remember what it’s like to be a teenager. It is melodramatic. Everything is either terrible or wonderful – there is very little middle ground. Sentences like “I swear, in that moment, we were infinite” (one of the popular lines from the novel/film, for those playing along at home) take on big meanings because everything is in an intense state of emotional upheaval. That’s why books and films like this one become the kind of cult classics that get banned in schools across America. Kids are looking for reflections of themselves. It’s why we all read and watch movies. Having said that, I don’t think Perks of Being a Wallflower is melodramatic at all. I think it deals really nicely with its chosen subject matter and does a good job of not slipping into melodrama. It’s currently sitting at 84% on Rotten Tomatoes as well, so I guess I’m not the only one who thinks that.

So that’s me done. You should go see it. I’m pleased that it wasn’t a trainwreck. It’s in cinemas everywhere.


Chris Brown is a Dickhead

Another day, another story of Chris Brown being a monumental dickhead. This time around the rapper got into a Twitter fight with comedy writer, Jenny Johnson, eventually releasing a tirade of misogynistic abuse and then deleting his Twitter account. Again. I’ve lost count of the number of times that’s happened, but whatever. The fight started when Brown tweeted a photo of himself saying he looked old and Johnson responded with “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.” Brown exploded with a bunch of vulgarities, Johnson lectured him on the difference between calling someone a “hoe” and calling someone a “ho” (tips for young players: one is a garden tool) and linked him to an article about how he beat the ever-loving Christ out of Rihanna, Brown responded with more sexist vulgarities and the words “Just ask Rihanna if she mad???”, until eventually someone had the good sense to shut it down. (On a side note: do you think his PR team just want to throw themselves off a bridge every time he talks?)

What a charmer.

So, in case you needed any more confirmation, Chris Brown clearly has some serious issues regarding his attitude toward women and on top of all that, might just be a gigantic asshole. But the part about Rihanna brings to what I actually want to talk about in this blog. You may or may not have heard that they got back together. This has put a lot of people in a bit of a tizz because we all remember the reason they broke up in the first place. For those of you who need a refresher, you can look at the photos of Rihanna’s face after the attack here cos I don’t really want them on the blog.

But the thing I always find surprising whenever this story comes up (and it comes up a lot) is that most people seem to be somehow disappointed or angry at Rihanna for going back to Chris Brown. “She’s a role model, she should know better” comes up a lot. Now, while I can’t say I’m on board with her taste in men, holy shit guys! In this scenario, where a famous woman was brutally beaten by her equally famous boyfriend, had to deal with going to the hospital and filing a police report with absolutely zero anonymity, had to deal publically with the aftermath of the attack by going on talk shows and explaining herself and reliving the events and STILL managed to channel all of that into an album, you’re choosing to get angry at the lady for being a bad role model?

Shall we talk about bad role models for a second? Chris Brown beat the bejesus out of Rihanna. The court details were released back in February and they’re horrific. Have an excerpt:

Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.’s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, ‘I’m going to beat the sh– out of you when we get home! You wait and see!’

You can read the whole awful transcript here. He then gave a stunted apology which involved him saying he didn’t really remember the incident and that he was “in shock, because that’s not who I am, and not who I promise I want to be as a person.” Then came a year of domestic violence counselling and some community service.

Despite there being some initial backlash against Brown, in the long term, the incident hasn’t hurt his career particularly much. He still manages to collaborate with big name artists, tours, his records still sell and, despite saying that they wouldn’t have him back to the Grammy’s (which he inadvertantly ruined by beating up his girlfriend), the Grammy’s have had him back. And no one really seems to mind that he displayed exactly zero remorse since his first apology, even going so far as to get annoyed when the media “keeps bringing it up” and storming out of interviews.

On top of that, if his tweet history is anything to go by, his attitude towards women really hasn’t changed that much. Whether or not you agree with Jenny Johnson’s pot shots at celebrities (personally, I find them a bit hit and miss), there is absolutely no excuse for responding  the way he did. Threatening anyone with bodily harm and humiliation is not an acceptable response to anything (I feel like I shouldn’t even have to write that, it seems so obvious), let alone combining such threats with a tirade of misogyny.

Now, I can hear the gears whirring in your head and you’re thinking “Surely, no one takes that kind of thing seriously. He’s just a jerk. A sexist jerk. He’s not influencing anyone, though. We all know he’s wrong.” Sit down, I’ma lay some knowledge on ya. He’s having a huge impact. Take a stroll through the TeamBreezy hashtag on Twitter and see for yourself. You’ll find a mountain of impressionable young girls and women, all fans of Brown (or Breezy…or whatever) who have had their way of thinking seriously warped by Brown’s actions and the media portrayal of them.

After Brown deleted his Twitter, TeamBreezy united to send death threats to Jenny Johnson. I’m not kidding. Death threats. Including some gems such as “come on Breezy! let’s kill this bitch out! #Breezywantsthisbitchdead”, “kill yourself bitch! #EATADICK” and perhaps most charmingly, “I’M GONNA FUCKING RAPE & KILL YOU OLD WHORE FUCK”. Aside from a few notable occasions (the last tweet, for example), all of the threats were sent by women. These are the same women who, earlier in the year, managed to get my attention by starting a hashtag about how they would be happy to be beat up by Chris Brown. These people are super impressionable, and the constant brushing over of Chris Brown’s indiscretions in order to promote his music and make a quick buck means that the girls and women that listen to the music think it’s OK to be treated like a punching bag because it’s not that big of a deal, and the boys think that it’s OK to treat their girlfriends like punching bags because there aren’t any serious repercussions.

If you want to talk about bad role models, Chris Brown is one. He has displayed no remorse for his actions, he continues to be be horribly misogynistic and is just generally a short-tempered, brattish asshole. The system that lets him remain a public figure in spite of the fact that he’s a violent prick is also something that seriously needs to be addressed. Rihanna is not the person that you should be directing blame at in this scenario. So how about switching it up and talking about the real problem, yeah?

Channing Tatum is a Giant Slab of Beef

Every year People magazine runs its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ thing. Which is cool, because we all know that these things are subjective and while you may not find the official ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ to be the actual Sexiest Man Alive there’s like 50 dudes on the list so you’re bound to find something that gets you a little hot under the collar (or like… lukewarm, or something). This year Channing Tatum is People‘s Sexiest Man Alive. Which, like I said, is fine… except that I feel like I might be the only woman in the world who is not even remotely attracted to Channing Tatum.

That goatee is really doing things for me.

Ever since Magic Mike came out I’ve had this problem where perfectly sane, nice women I know, who generally have good taste in stuff, have totally lost their marbles for Channing Tatum and I just don’t get it. I’ve seen People‘s list of past man candy and even the ones that don’t make me go weak at the knees have a certain somethin’ somethin’. Jude Law has sparkly eyes that cancel out his receding hairline, Hugh Jackman was Wolverine, Sean Connery sounds like he gargled gravel and is just kind of a badass. These are all things I could go for. Channing Tatum has none of these things. Aside from the fact that someone, somewhere decided to name him Channing, thus spawning a whole generation of unfortunately named children, Channing Tatum is a bland man. He is the plain chips of the silver screen.

In an attempt to enlighten myself to the sexiness and potentially jump on the bandwagon (I love a good bandwagon), I took to Facebook to ask the female (and male) population what they thought was so sexy about Mr. Tatum. The overwhelming response was something to the effect of “UMPH OMG I WANT TO LICK HIS STOMACH SO SEXY ABS ABS ABS AHHHH!” So I guess they’re a focal point or something.

No one taught Channing how to wear the sunglasses.

I’m not really an abs lady and, like I said, he was a boring head, so I went to the second choice. The other response I got was “Channing Tatum is a god. It’s the dancing.” So I thought I would look at the dancing, because I remembered that he had been in Step Up and then got his stripper on in Magic Mike and I appreciate a good dance sequence in any film (the more out of context, the better). This is the scene that came up first on YouTube:

There were several things that stood out for me during that little shebang… none of them involved good dancing. First of all, while I’m pretty sure that I’m supposed to be turned on by that weird little ground-hump-backwards-butt-wobble thing he did, I’m mostly just impressed by the fact that he managed to take off his tank top without knocking his baseball cap off. How many takes do you think had to happen for that go as planned? Is that a skill that can be taught? Do the same set of skills apply to getting your pants off without shoe removal? Because that’s a skill I can get behind. Second of all, HE RUBS HIS TANK TOP ON HIS CROTCH AND THROWS IT AT SOMEONE. Is crotch sweat sexy now? Did I miss something? The only thing that was going through my head when I watched that bit was “ew ew ew I be that smells AWFUL.” The only other thought I had about this scenario was the fact that he does a lot of booty rockin’ everywhere in this clip and throughout the rest of the film. He does all of the aforementioned booty rockin’ in a thong, which I just don’t feel would provide an adequate amount of support for his junk. Which means that his junk is probably bouncing everywhere in a way that is probably really uncomfortable and definitely makes me feel a little nauseous.

Look, I tried, OK? I tried to get on board but from what I can gather, Channing Tatum is enjoyable becuase he is a wiggly slab of beef and no one is really looking at his head. Am I right? …I dunno. I’m probably the wrong person to be thinking about this. I’m beginning to think my idea of sexy is probably a little different to everyone else’s.

Seven Reasons You Should Go And See Seven Psychopaths

Last night was date night. Of course, by ‘date night’ I do not mean an actual date (ridiculous) but dinner and a movie with my housemate who I am unintentionally platonically married to (it’s complicated). Anyway, we made the executive decision to go and see Seven Psychopaths. partially because we both love In Bruges, which was also written by Martin McDonagh, but mostly because aforementioned housemate has an intense love of Christopher Walken. Don’t we all, though?

It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review and even longer since I’ve talked about anything that I actually liked, so I figured I would ensure that you all go and see this film by giving you seven reasons that you should definitely go and see Seven Psychopaths. Plus, the title for this one pretty much wrote itself, and who am I to pass that up? Without further ado:

  1. Remind yourself that Colin Farrell actually goes alright. Colin Farrell makes some questionable career choices. And also some questionable hat choices.

    Seriously… what is that hat?

    In the face of overwhelmingly bad things, like the remake of Total Recall and Alexander, you tend to forget that he can actually act. The film is very darkly funny, and Farrell himself has an excellent sense of comedic timing. So, if you need to remember why, at some point, you thought you liked Colin Farrell but want something a little more understated than Horrible Bosses (which he is also very good in) then go see this. Then go and rent In Bruges.

  2. Excellent goddamn dialogue. Martin McDonagh deserves all the awards. All of them. Because this script is hilarious and peppered with some seriously unforgettable one-liners. If nothing else, go see it so that you can see Christopher Walken refuse a drink by saying, “No, I take peyote.” Which brings me to my next point…
  3. Christopher Flipping Walken.The internet loves Christopher Walken. We all love Chrisopher Walken. With good reason too. Generally he just kind of looks like a sweet old man, but because he has such an odd way of speaking he’s always cast as these really vicious or menancing  characters. This role is a nice combination of sweet old man and outright weirdo, which is nice becuase it gives Walken more of a chance to show off his comedic chops and also just cruise around being the rad old dude he is.

    Image too good not to use.

  4. Weirdly self-aware script. If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll know that I love me some meta script writing, especially when it’s done really well. This is a a particularly good example because essentially it’s a film about writing. Marty (Farrell) is an alcoholic Irish writer struggling to finish a screenplay. He ends up unintentionally enlisting the help of Billy (played by Sam Rockwell) and Hans (Walken) and they go through the writing process in the most roundabout and vaguely violent way possible. (I realise it’s probably a little late in the piece to be giving you a run down of the plot, but it’s my blog. I’ll do what I wanna.) While going through the process the supporting characters provide  often hilarious commentary on Marty’s progressing script. It’s like a less pretentious version of that Charlie Kauffman/ Nicholas Cage thing, Adaptation, that they force all first and second year Arts students to watch on loop before they graduate.
  5. Excellent supporting cast featuring a sassy Shih Tzu. The supporting cast for this is so good: Woody Harrelson, Abbie Cornish, Olga Kurylenko (the Bond girl from Quantum of Solace, in case you were wondering), Tom Waits. They’re all phenomenal. Also, there is  just the sassiest Shih Tzu you will ever see on film. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an animal be so ridiculous looking in theory and so noble on film.

    This is the animal in question on the red carpet at the event. Not a word of a lie. Look at it. It has a little bow and everything. So ridiculous. But with such noble posture.
  6. Tom Waits has a bunny rabbit. I really, REALLY like Tom Waits, so this line of reasoning is probably more of a draw card for me than it is for you, but Tom Waits is a psycho with a bunny rabbit.

    My heart. It melts.

    His story arc is really good and he’s such a strange guy anyway that he makes a wonderful nutcase. And he has a bunny rabbit. And I’m still into it in spite of the fact that he has very visibly aged. Chalk that one up to “things you didn’t really need to know about me.”

  7. It’s not Twilight. The final installment of the Twilight saga came out recently. This is not it. This is better. Do yourself a favour and go see this. It’s better written. It’s funnier. The cast is better. Just…go.

Well, that was sillier than initially anticipated. I had intended this to be a serious list of reasons this film was brilliant. Instead, it’s a bit ridiculous. But seriously, go see this film. The cast is amazing, it’s funny as all hell, Colin Farrell’s eyebrows are only slighly off-putting. Do yourself a favour.

Smells Like… Avenging?

Y’all know that I loved the Avengers movie (see: that post I did where I just vomited feelings for 1000 plus words). Having said that, I can’t say that, whilst watching the film, I ever thought “Goddamn, I wish I could smell like an Avenger. I bet Thor smells fucking amazing.” Thankfully, someone did and you can now buy a full range of Avengers themed colognes for the man in your life.

Well… that certainly is a thing.

So, what exactly does a “heroic men’s frangrance” smell like? Shall we take a  gander at the product tags? Yes, let’s… because apparently each perfume is “painstakingly created to invoke affinity for its character.”

Mark VII Armor Up Cologne: A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the elements and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Smell just like Tony Stark!

SMASH! Be Angry Cologne: Rare materials create a cologne evoking both timeless freedom and a single-minded passion for life. Smell just like Bruce Banner!

Worthy Possess the Power Cologne: Sensual. seductive dark amber and cedar wood protect and enhance a deep, almost God-like musk. Smell just like Thor!

Patriot Your Attack Plan Cologne: Paying homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard-working average Joe in every man. Smell just Steve Rogers!

I did not make any of that up. That’s the actual product description on the website. I love whoever writes the taglines for perfumes. Genuinely. Without them, this blog wouldn’t have half as much content as it does. I mean, they actually used the phrase “deep, almost God-like musk” to talk about a perfume that’s supposed to smell like Thor. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Anyway, what interests me most about product is the fact that they claim to “smell just like” whichever character they’re talking about. Honestly though, I don’t know if the first thing that comes to mind when I think of “stuff the Hulk would smell like” is “timeless freedom.” In fact, I’m not sure if I know what “timeless freedom” is, let alone what it smells like. Does freedom have a smell? As such, I have revamped the character-based cologne to be a little more accurate.

Money Charmingly Smug Cologne: Perhaps unsurprisingly, the cologne based on Iron Man smells a little bit like a the inside of the metal shop class that your school made you take – tangy and a bit like rust. But becuase it’s based on Iron Man and not just iron, you more subtle after-notes of alcoholism in the form of expensive whiskey fumes. Smell just like Tony Stark (and his drinking problem)!

SMASH! Emotional Instablity Cologne: It’s hard work being an over-sized, emotionally unstable, slightly radioactive green guy, and as such, the Hulk cologne smells predominantly like sweat with competing scents of brick dust from all the buildings Hulk has inadvertently smashed. In tribute to Bruce Banner and his science-y ways, there has been also a subtle after-smell of disinfectant. Smell just like the Hulk!

Hammer Time Luscious Flowing Golden God Hair Cologne: Given that Thor is a God from another dimension, we couldn’t really make his perfume smell like all the things that Thor actually smells like on a day -to-day basis. However, upon arriving in our dimension, Thor did quickly discover the wide range of hair care products needed to keep his golden God-locks in check. Thor’s cologne is a heady mix of floral shampoo and conditioner scents. Smell just like Thor (and also like Chris Hemsworth, because that isn’t a wig, so I assume he mostly just smells like the hair care aisle at a supermarket)!

‘MURICA! Patriotism n’ Eagles n’ Shit Cologne:  Last but not least, we have The Cap. Naturally Captain America smells exactly like what America should smell like: a giddy mix of hotdogs, bald eagle feathers and the inside of a baseball glove. It’s the perfect cologne for the patriot you know you are. Smell exactly like Steve Rogers!

What do you think? Sound a little more true to character? I like the fact that they neglected to include Hawkeye and the Black Widow as part of their team, but since those two are basically just shiny assassains they’d probably smell like blood and the tears of the doomed. Nobody wants that, really. If you’re interested and didn’t click the link before, the box set of four retails for $59.99 and is apparently perfect for father’s day or graduation gifts. They also have a range of Star Trek themed colognes, one of which features George Takei’s face. Awesome.




Tiny Girl, Big Sunglasses, Old Boyfriend

I don’t often think about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I never think about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. They tend not to occupy much of my time because, from memory, they made their bajillions at a tiny age and have since ceased to do anything of note. Except make overpriced clothes. And stand around looking vaguely disgruntled/a bit smug at events. Or something. I don’t know. Whatever.

Creepy twin pose, ok… go!

So recently, one of the twins, Mary-Kate (don’t ask me which one that is because they look exactly the same to me – apparently one of them is supposed to be more fashionable, but I don’t know how we’re supposed to tell) started dating Olivier Sarkozy, who is a 43 year old banker and half-brother of Nicholas Sarkozy, the former French President. Normally the 17 year age gap wouldn’t really bother me. Partially because I don’t think that sort of thing should be a barrier to love (provided that everyone involved is well above the age of consent), but mostly because there is no way that, after beginning their career at 9 months old and growing up in the spotlight, that the Olsens don’t have some daddy issues.

But then I started seeing paparazzi photos everywhere and they genuininely kind of creep me out because IT LOOKS LIKE HE HAS KIDNAPPED A 14 YEAR OLD!

The sunglasses are to hide the fact that her eyes are pleading “send help.”

On one side, we have Sarkozy’s child from a previous marriage, and on the other we have Mary-Kate Olsen. Spot the difference. Aside from the fact that one looks like a grumpy teenager while the other looks relatively happy, they look about the same age. I can’t tell if that’s because Sarkozy’s child is ahead of herself or because Mary-Kate Olsen never hit puberty. I’m thinking it might be the latter. Anyway, adding further proof to my “kidnapped a schoolgirl” theory, there is this photo:

Oh… oh God.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE UNCOMFORTABLE COUPLE PHOTO? It looks like he has her trapped in an airport. Mary-Kate Olsen looks like a terrified 8 year old, which is more facial expression than she ever managed to muster during her career as an actress. Seriously though, did she ever hit puberty? Because it doesn’t look like she did and that worries me somewhat. The whole scenario makes me cringe just looking at it. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be actually involved. Olivier Sarkozy, unhand that Olsen! You’re making us all feel a little bit ill. (On the upside, my new tag-line may now be “Unhand that Olsen!” I think it has potential.)

On a side note, since it’s practically impossible to tell them apart, how do we know it’s Mary-Kate Olsen dating Olivier Sarkozy and not Ashley? How do the paparazzi tell them apart to follow around? Has someone attached a post-it note to their backs? I don’t understand.

Joking aside, I guess they must be happy or something. They’ve bought an apartment in the East Village  worth $6 million. Nothing says love like spending $6 million on an apartment together. (Maybe it has a basement to lock the Olsen in?) Anyway, I’m signing off because this whole scenario is making me feel awkward, like I’ve stumbled across something gross on the internet. I’m going to go back to not thinking about the Olsens and trying to forget I know who Olivier Sarkozy is. I swear this blog will be back to its usual standards of slightly longer and more in depth shit-talking when I’m not swamped by the 8 million things I’m avoiding doing.

Natalie Portman is a Vegan

Have you ever met a vegan? If you answered “I don’t know” then chances are you haven’t, because the wonderful thing about vegans is that, regardless of whether or not you’re consuming food with them, they will let you know about their veganism and the ways that it has changed their life and could probably change yours if only you’d give up your meat-guzzling ways and just listen, man! Now, I’m very much into a live and let live scenario here: I don’t really mind if you don’t eat or use animal products because I understand where you’re coming from when you say you can’t live with animal cruelty. But I’m gonna take my cheese and bacon sandwich over to my corner and get on with my day. It doesn’t make me better or worse than you… unless the omnipotent judge of right and wrong is some sort of dairy cow/ pig hybrid who created its earthly form as delicious meat and dairy products to test our faith. In which case, sorry. I have failed.

Sometimes, however, a line is crossed into such overwhelming stupidity that I feel I need to address the situation. This is one of those times. You may be aware that Natalie Portman is a vegan. You may also be aware that she is the face of Christian Dior’s fragrances.

There’s also a series of dreadfully pretentious television commercials to go with this campaign.

Unfortunately, poor Natalie had a hard time reconciling the fact that she was being paid millions to lounge around half naked and spray perfume on herself with the fact that she might have to wear Christian Dior’s expensive leather shoes. Thankfully for all of us, the company had a solution.

“One of the things that’s been so nice is that Dior made all of the shoes for me with no animals and no leather or anything, because I don’t wear any leather. They remade all my shoes so I can wear Dior shoes without taking lives.”

Well thank goodness for that. We wouldn’t want a simple thing like your much-preached-about morals to get in the way of making a bunch of money.

Putting aside the fact that the money spent remaking Portman’s shoes could have been better spent on say, a cause that actually has an impact on animal rights, Uncaged has Christian Dior on its naughty list when it comes to animal testing, meaning that the perfume that Saint Natalie is being paid to hawk in her new vegan-friendly Dior shoes is actually responsible for burning the eyes of bunnies. Which means that while Natalie Portman may not be comfortable taking the lives of animals, she is OK with torturing them with chemicals. It’s kind of like saying to the US Government, “Don’t you dare kill those prisoners, but I’m alright with the water-boarding.”

I’m the first to admit that I’m far from perfect on this front – I have the kind of skewed morals that mean I don’t wear fur but own 6 pairs of leather boots, will buy cruelty-free shampoo and conditioner and then forget to do so with every other aspect of my beauty regime. The first paragraph in this blog was essentially an ode to how much I like cheese and bacon sandwiches. I’m an idiot, OK? But at least I’m up front about it. If you’re going to demand that a brand entirely remake its range to fit in with your veganism, at least make sure that the product you’re endorsing is comaptible with that ideology. Natalie Portman, sort your shit out.

Special thanks to Miss Mazy for curing the writer’s block by pointing out the inadequacies of Natalie Portman.

No One Hates Twilight More Than Robert Pattinson

Today, I would like to give thanks to Tumblr for pointing out to me that Robert Pattinson is a funny, funny man who is just as skeptical about this whole Twilight shebang as the rest of us. Like many of you, I saw the first movie and went “Why is Cedric Diggory playing an angsty ball of glitter?” and then spent the next 4 years trying desperately trying to ignore the fact that Twilight existed (no mean feat when  you have access to the internet). But because of that I’ve missed the fact that Robert Pattinson is actually hilarious. Because the final installment in the saga is due out this month, this post rounded up some of the best of Pattinson from all the press he’s had to do over the years.

Interviewer: What do you think of ‘R-Pattz’, actually?

Pattinson: I want to break the hands and mouth of the person who came up with it.

Interviewer: What do you want your fans to know about your personal life?

Pattinson: I want them to know that….cinnamon toast crunch has only 30 calories in a bowl. (Note: Robert Pattinson is a dirty liar.)

Bless your weird little soul. That’s just the press junket though. At one point, someone thought it would be a good idea to get him to do the DVD commentary of the first Twilight movie. Results were… probably not what the studio was looking for?

The man has a point. Have a look at some of the other gems he manages to come up with.

On the kissing scene:

“This is quite difficult ’cause I have a really flat head, and so it’s quite difficult to get a correct angle. And you can’t go up from down below as well, ’cause I’ve got, like, rock solid gelled hair. And so, like, it was odd. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like my head is being, like, turned inside out. Like that episode of Ren & Stimpy when he’s inside his own belly button.  I don’t know.”

I am so very pleased that I am not the only one who thinks that his head is ridiculously flat. He looks like he’s run into a wall… or, in his own words, “my whole head is like I’ve had a face lift.”

On being a scary vampire:

“So he wears lipstick, has a little bouffant and does little circus acts as well. Oh he’s so sexy.”

“Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially when you’ve got sculpted eyebrows.”

“I wonder if a vampire’s eyebrows can grow back?”

“Never trust a man with sculpted eyebrows.”

“I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack for this scene.”

I mean… that shit is almost enough to make me watch the film for the commentary. But then I remember I’d have to deal with the movie AND every other person involved in the production just taking themselves way too seriously and I think “naaah”.

Anyway, thank you to Robert Pattinson for being snarky about Twilight, because it’s really nice to hear someone involved with it point out that the relationship between Edward and Bella is bordering on creepy. And thank you to Tumblr, for obsessively finding moments where he is funny to make it seem like maybe I should give Twilight a second chance, even though we all know that it’s a terrible idea and I’d just end up regretting it.

On a side note, this has been some supremely lazy blogging because I’ve been ridiculously busy. It’ll be back on track at some point. Promise. Also, the blog seems to have a problem with me making the first two pictures any bigger than they are. My humble apologies. Stupid. Bah!

Disney Buys Star Wars: Nerds React

In a movie that made everyone go “OoohGodwhat?askjdhfkflHelp!Why?Argh!” the Walt Disney Co. bought Lucasfilm for $4.05 billion and announced that they were going to be making another Star Wars movie. I’m torn. <Cue musical interlude.>

You’re welcome. Anyway, back to the point…I really am torn. I love Star Wars. A lot. Seriously…like, a lot. I could go into all the nostalgia I have associated with them, but we all have those stories and they’re pretty boring, so let’s just say that I may or may not have once handed in an essay three days late because I was re-watching the trilogy on loop and that I definitely cried in the cinema in the late 90s because The Phantom Menace was so bad. I just really like Star Wars, OK? So the idea of more Star Wars for me is both exciting and horrifying. Exciting because MORE FUCKING STAR WARS! FUCK YES! Horrifying because if they’re as terrible as the prequel trilogy I may have to throw myself under a bus, and because Disney has taken the reins.

Let that sink in for a moment. Disney. Has taken over. Star Wars. I’m mad at Disney at the moment for The Lone Ranger, so the idea that they could be doing something equally terrible to something that I’m actually intensely emotionally invested in is worrying, to say the least.

In times of crisis, I often turn to the internet for comfort. So naturally, the first thing I did was check the social media of all my favourite high profile nerds in order to determine what their thoughts were on the issue.

Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy and several Family-Guy-related parodies of the Star Wars films, was sufficiently unimpressed.

He then went on to respond to a fan who asked whether Disney’s new ownership would mean that the Family Guy parodies would have to cease and desist.

So, if nothing else, at least the public won’t be subjected to any more Family Guy parodies of Star Wars. Silver linings, people.

Everyone’s favourite super-nerd, Simon Pegg, had this to say:

Insert an appropriate “badum-tish” noise here. He did then say that he was excited about the new films, which may or may not be a ploy to extend his reign as the ultimate Hollywood nerd by starring in both Star Trek and Star Wars. GEEK SUPREMACY 50% COMPLETE!

That’ll do, Pegg. That’ll do.

It wouldn’t be a geek post without checking what Seth Green is up to. He didn’t post anything personally, but he did retweet a couple of things that would suggest that he is probably mostly just pleased about it.

Maybe, if we all think positive things about new Star Wars then everything will be OK? Is that just called wishing? I think it might be.

Final words go to two of my favourite people: Ewan McGregor and Nathan Fillion. You may recognise Nathan Fillion as Castle from Castle. Or, because you’re reading this blog, chances are you also recognise him as Captain Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly (and you just crossed yourself and mumbled “rest in peace” at the mention of Firefly because the cancellation of that show IS NEVER GOING TO BE OK). He retweeted this (from Grant, the Mythbusters guy, no less):

As for Ewan McGregor, he played Obi-Wan in the prequel trilogy and is probably the only reason I’ve watched those trainwrecks more than once (…well, that and CGI Yoda ripping everyone to shreds, because that shit is FUNNY). He started by wishing George Lucas good luck in his future endeavours, and then finished it up with this:

I could get behind that… I think.

After lurking around, I’m still torn. I want it to be good so badly, but it could just be like that time they tried to give me more Indiana Jones and it was awful and had aliens and Shia Labeouf (I would seriously, SERIOUSLY recommend clicking that link). What do you think, internet!? Make up my mind for me! Is it the best or worst thing to ever happen?

Note: So, this blog is late. I wish I had a good excuse but basically I worked for 9 hours and then tequila happened (I shouldn’t be allowed in Mexican themed bars). If it’s any consolation, the McDonalds that I drunkenly consumed is really disagreeing with me.

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