Shagging Everything

I love trash mags. They’re a goldmine of confliicting news, reliable sources and product placement disguised as helpful articles about hair removal. This story was going to be a comparison of the articles in two different trash mags, but while I was flipping through Famous I came across an interview with some creature named ‘Gaz’ from Geordie Shore. I’ve only ever watched Geordie Shore like twice so I’m only vaguely aware of Gaz and his posse of Newcastle housemates. From what I saw he just bangs a lot of people and works out in between.

I find it amazing that he’s made a career out of being “handsome” and shagging loads of people, partially because he looks like this:

gaz-geordie-shore-281x211

There’s a lot of photos of him shirtless floating around online and, yeah, he does work out. But look at that face. He looks like some shifty guy you meet at a shit house party, who wasn’t actually invited but is trying to offload some really dodgy looking drugs that you buy anyway cos you’re having a bad time, and when you huff them, they turn out to be crushed panadol and you realise you just got ripped off by a junkie. He’s THAT guy. No amount of working out is going to make up for that face. I’m sorry.

But it’s not just his face that irks me. He speaks too. Which is obviously more irksome. Famous asked some (admittedly very leading) questions, so I thought I would just pull the choice bits from Gaz’s life philosophy:

  • On why he likes Australia: “the girls are really, really hot”… he has a point. We’re pretty alright, although I have a sneaking suspicion I might not be Gaz’s type.
  • On why Australian girls are “really, really hot”: “It’s so nice to run your hand through a girl’s hair and not get your fingers caught up in extensions” or have “half their face on your pillow”… Apparently Gaz often feels cheated when he wakes up in the morning next to a girl with her makeup and hair out of order. Firstly, I don’t know where he’s finding these mythical, makeup free Australian women. Secondly, fuck off Gaz. Those women probably went out feeling beautiful and woke up next to you, hungover as shit, trying to remember why they thought it was a good idea to go home with someone who has a neon orange fake tan, and mentally evaluating how far it is to the nearest sexual health clinic. Mornings aren’t a walk in the park for anyone.
  • On group sex: “One time I had five hostesses from a club – they all waited outside the room and just came in one by one.” I just… I mean… one at a time? There was like a line? I just feel like there’s been a fundmental misunderstanding of how group sex can work out well for everyone. I need to find the last girl n particular and console her. Just grab her by the shoulders and be like “You deserve better sex!”
  • On pubic hair: “If you had a bush, I wouldn’t shag you.” OH NO! Not pubes! I’ve read few interviews about this sort of thing, and I’ve gotta say… I feel like pubes are a really good douchebag screener. Like, if some guy gets close to your vagina and is like “AHH HAIR!” and then refuses to touch you, then he’s obviously a giant fuckwit and not worthy of getting in and around your sexy bits.
  • On social media: “There’s no point banging in the dark. I’ve gotta get a Snapchat!” Case and point re: douchebags. If you are stopping the sex to tell someone else about the sex, then you are doing the sex wrong and you should get back to me when you know little more.

There you go. Now you don’t have to read the interview. I’m sorry this is such a crap blog. I’m going 9000 things at work, including trying to design an exhibition catalogue on Microsoft Publisher, which is the equivalent of trying recreate the Mona Lisa in Paint. I’ll be better later. I promise. Thanks for sticking around.

What the Hell is Wrong With You People?

Normally, I don’t bother paying attention to Miss America. I’m not American… actually, I don’t pay attention to the Australian incarnation either. I just don’t really have an interest in beauty pageants or their contestants. It’s cool if you do. It’s not really my bag. But, being a person with eyes, I couldn’t help but notice the controversy surrounding the crowning of Nina Davuluri as Miss America 2013. To which I say: JESUS FUCK!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? For those of you who may not have seen, Miss America looks like this:

i.0.miss-america-miss-new-york-nina-davuluri

Looking at her, she has all of the credentials of a beauty queen: Great face. Great smile. Great hair. Gravity defying bust. (How? HOW?) Studying medicine. Gives good diplomatic answers to inane questions about the role of the Miss America. That’s all you need right? According to a bunch of idiots on Twitter, no.

Since the story blew up most of the racist Twitter accouts have been deleted. Lucky for you guys, it’s the internet, so nothing ever really goes away. Here’s a few that I could actually drag up images for:

nina d nina d2 nina d3 tumblr_inline_mt7c7oxiT41qawfnh

On top of that, there were a bunch of posts about how she was obviously a Muslim terrorist and how Obama must be pleased. My favourite, just for its sheer stupidity, comes from this account which has since been deleted: @wnfraser “@ABC2020 nice slap in the face to the people of 9-11 how pathetic #missamerica“. To summarise, the bigots were angry because Miss American has brown skin. However, they couldn’t decide which country that meant she was from, so most of them just took a shot in the dark.

This whole thing made me mad. Really mad. So, before I explode into a cloud of rage and glitter, some dot points:

  1. Yes. You’re absolutely right. You do have to be American to win. Which is why an American, Nina Davuluri, from New York, won Miss America.
  2. “American” does not automatically imply “white”, you fucksticks.
  3. Nina Davuluri is of Indian descent. She is not Indonesian, Egyptian, Arab, or whatever else you took it upon yourself to assign to her using your limited understanding of geography and vague knowledge of places where people have different skin tones. Invest in an globe. I’m not going to take you any more seriously, but you should do it anyway.
  4. Even if Nina Davuluri was an Arab person, that would not some how make her magically responsible for 9/11, you shitbags. The leap of logic that it takes for you to get to the point where you’d be willing to blame a hypothetical Arab beauty queen for a large scale terrorist attack just boggles the mind. Like…how? How did you get there? What twist did your brain take that you would think that was OK?
  5. The hashtag “#wherethewhitewomenat” is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Did you look at the rest of the competition? It’s like 97% white women. The standard for American beauty (or any kind of beauty) should not automatically be “blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl”. The white women are literally all over the contest. And they were beaten fair and square by someone of Indian descent. Fucking deal with it.

I’m too tired and irritated to continue this post. Like, I really just feel like it shouldn’t even be an issue. She’s beautiful and she won a beauty pageant. It shouldn’t be that hard to comprehend. Fuck.

Pop Culture: Get…In Me?

This blog post is probably gonna be a little…ahem… Not Safe For Work. While I was musing over what to write about this week, my best friend sent me a text shouting about how I should write a blog about how vampires are “just giant sparkly dildos now.” She was watching The Vampire Diaries and, in her emotional distress, had forgotten that I had already done a blog on that (albeit with less use of the word ‘dildo’). But that got me thinking. The internet is a wonderful place.  And by “wonderful” I mean “horrifying and confusing most of the time”. Like most of you, I’ve seen a lot of stuff I wish I hadn’t. Rather than repressing those memories, I thought I’d dredge them up and share them with you all by finding my top 5 weird ways pop culture has made the jump into the bedroom.

  1. Alice in Wonderland vibrators exist. I just thought I would put that out there. I’m not entirely sure how I know that. But I do. There’s five to choose from: The White Wabbit (after the rabbit, obviously), the Pleasure Pillar (after the caterpillar), the Heavenly Heart (after the Queen), the Mystical Mushroom (no word on whether eating it makes you any bigger) and, perhaps most disturbingly, the Kinky Kat, which looks like this:
    Oh god...

    Oh god…

    Do I love Alice In Wonderland? Yes. Do I want Alice in Wonderland in or around my vagina? No. Definitely not. At least the website selling it seems to have some understanding that a smiling, vibrating cat is a little odd. The product description reads: “The Cheshire Cat Vibrator is small, at about 5 inches long, so you can easily hide it from anyone who might find you a little mad for using a cartoon cat as a sex toy.”  They’re also concerned about safety. One reviewer notes that “the ears are a little pointy so it’s probably not suitable for ass play.” Good to know. Safety first, kids. (No…seriously. Safety first. I mean it.)

  2. My dislike of the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is well-documented. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that UK company, Lovehoney, had teamed up with author E.L James for a range of official 50 Shades of Grey sexy merch. (Pro tip: Non-existant. My excitement was non-existant.)
    It’s everything you need to get started with the kinky sex, including a whip, a crop, blindfolds… I think I see a buttplug in there? And I mean, good for you, wanting to explore kinks. It’s good. Consensual, loving, kinky sex  shouldn’t be demonised. But I do kind of pity you if you’re going to try basing your new sexual exploits off some really poorly written erotic fiction that may or may not use the phrase “love cave” at one point or another.
  3. Hello Kitty is literally everywhere – it’s covered every product imaginable. So, I guess bedroom fun was the next logical step?

    My favourite thing about these was that they were originally marketed as shoulder massagers, despite the fact that they are obviously a totally inappropriate design for massaging shoulders. I mean…looking at them, they’re a totally inappropriate design for anything you’d want to put between your legs as well, but I dunno. Either way, the company has stood by them as “shoulder massagers” and continues to manufacture them. They release them periodically and with a little internet magic and some hefty shipping costs you can now buy them outside Japan. Lucky you.
  4. A big part of me wanted to mentiioned the Twilight themed dildo, because it sparkles and is designed to be put in the fridge so you can get that authentic “vampire dong” cold. But then I found a line of completely unofficial Alien and Predator themed dildos and I couldn’t really go past it. This one is so thoroughly ridiculous I don’t even know where to start. It’s called the PredAlien.
    That monstrosity is 32cm long, and has a circumference of 24cm at its widest point. So it’s huge. But perhaps more importantly, someone has sat down and thought, not only about how the Predator and Alien’s penises would look, but how a cross between Predator and Alien’s penises would look. And then brought that to life. In case you’re interested, there’s also an Avatar themed one. Please take note that the website is called “Aliendildos.com” and I take no responsibility for what you see when you click that link. I warned you.
  5. Or maybe you just like to snuggle. By now we’re all familiar with the concept of the body pillow. If you aren’t you probably haven’t watched enough 30 Rock or at least, you haven’t seen the James Franco episode.

    Anyway, body pillows as merchandise aren’t that uncommon, but my favourite comes from the world of K-pop. G-Dragon,  leader of K-pop boy band juggernaut Big Bang, recently released some solo material and performed a series of stadium shows. Of course, there was merch available – everything from your usual t-shirts and jumpers, to fake nails and scented candles (no…seriously). There was also this terrifying body pillow:

    Terrifying.

    Terrifying.

    I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the photoshoot that required him to make kissy faces at the air whilst putting his arm around a pretend girlfriend. But anyway. It’s creepy… but you could be forgiven for assuming that it was a reasonably inoffensive object. Some people are huggers. Whatever. But then this came  accross my Tumblr dashboard the other day:

    Sweet Jesus.  (Click for the original blog post)

    SOMEONE ADDED TINY LITTLE LEGS TO IT. TINY LITTLE LEGS WITH TINY LITTLE SHORT SHORTS. And that’s when you remember that some people are not just looking for a cuddle. I dunno… I just don’t feel like this is what they intended when they made the pillow.

Anyway. I think I had probably way too much fun writing that. Poking around websites that sell sex toys is both funny and educational. Did you know they sell a fitness ball (like those big ones you see at the gym) with a vibrator attached? The tag line is “get fit and get off with the Vibrating Sex Ball”. I like that they just went with the most obvious name… it is literally a ball that has a vibrating dildo attached, so they called it a Vibrating Sex Ball. Genius. Alright, I’m done.

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