Shagging Everything

I love trash mags. They’re a goldmine of confliicting news, reliable sources and product placement disguised as helpful articles about hair removal. This story was going to be a comparison of the articles in two different trash mags, but while I was flipping through Famous I came across an interview with some creature named ‘Gaz’ from Geordie Shore. I’ve only ever watched Geordie Shore like twice so I’m only vaguely aware of Gaz and his posse of Newcastle housemates. From what I saw he just bangs a lot of people and works out in between.

I find it amazing that he’s made a career out of being “handsome” and shagging loads of people, partially because he looks like this:

gaz-geordie-shore-281x211

There’s a lot of photos of him shirtless floating around online and, yeah, he does work out. But look at that face. He looks like some shifty guy you meet at a shit house party, who wasn’t actually invited but is trying to offload some really dodgy looking drugs that you buy anyway cos you’re having a bad time, and when you huff them, they turn out to be crushed panadol and you realise you just got ripped off by a junkie. He’s THAT guy. No amount of working out is going to make up for that face. I’m sorry.

But it’s not just his face that irks me. He speaks too. Which is obviously more irksome. Famous asked some (admittedly very leading) questions, so I thought I would just pull the choice bits from Gaz’s life philosophy:

  • On why he likes Australia: “the girls are really, really hot”… he has a point. We’re pretty alright, although I have a sneaking suspicion I might not be Gaz’s type.
  • On why Australian girls are “really, really hot”: “It’s so nice to run your hand through a girl’s hair and not get your fingers caught up in extensions” or have “half their face on your pillow”… Apparently Gaz often feels cheated when he wakes up in the morning next to a girl with her makeup and hair out of order. Firstly, I don’t know where he’s finding these mythical, makeup free Australian women. Secondly, fuck off Gaz. Those women probably went out feeling beautiful and woke up next to you, hungover as shit, trying to remember why they thought it was a good idea to go home with someone who has a neon orange fake tan, and mentally evaluating how far it is to the nearest sexual health clinic. Mornings aren’t a walk in the park for anyone.
  • On group sex: “One time I had five hostesses from a club – they all waited outside the room and just came in one by one.” I just… I mean… one at a time? There was like a line? I just feel like there’s been a fundmental misunderstanding of how group sex can work out well for everyone. I need to find the last girl n particular and console her. Just grab her by the shoulders and be like “You deserve better sex!”
  • On pubic hair: “If you had a bush, I wouldn’t shag you.” OH NO! Not pubes! I’ve read few interviews about this sort of thing, and I’ve gotta say… I feel like pubes are a really good douchebag screener. Like, if some guy gets close to your vagina and is like “AHH HAIR!” and then refuses to touch you, then he’s obviously a giant fuckwit and not worthy of getting in and around your sexy bits.
  • On social media: “There’s no point banging in the dark. I’ve gotta get a Snapchat!” Case and point re: douchebags. If you are stopping the sex to tell someone else about the sex, then you are doing the sex wrong and you should get back to me when you know little more.

There you go. Now you don’t have to read the interview. I’m sorry this is such a crap blog. I’m going 9000 things at work, including trying to design an exhibition catalogue on Microsoft Publisher, which is the equivalent of trying recreate the Mona Lisa in Paint. I’ll be better later. I promise. Thanks for sticking around.

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