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Yesterday, I got a brilliant text message from my very good friend Caroline (blog found here) while I was at work. It said “Oh Kristen – what have you done…?” Which was an excellent question, because being at work I hadn’t had a chance to trawl through the internet look for exactly what it was Kristen Stewart had done to offend the world. But boy am I glad I did, cos it’s pretty much the most excellent thing ever. Well… I say ‘excellent’… Anyway! For those of you that missed it: K-STEW TOTALLY CHEATED ON R-PATZ WITH SOME CREEPY LOOKING DIRECTOR DUDE! (In plain English, that translates to: Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders, also known as, the director of Snow White and the Huntsman.) Cue all hell breaking loose.

Why are affairs always “steamy”?

The story was broken by US Weekly and rather than just letting it slide and leaving it all open for speculation, Kristen instead chose to release this statement:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Which, aside from being a bit tragic and almost making me feel kind of upset for her, is a bit of a clusterfuck really. I mean, those of us who read trash-mags are pretty much expecting everything to be at least 90% made up. We’re used to stoic silence or feirce denial. No one ever actually admits to these things. Sheesh.

Since K-Stew stuffed up and actually released a statement, Sanders, a married father of two, had to clarify:

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family. My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

Oh good. Now we’re all on the same page – the page where you both regret ever shagging – let’s take a moment to examine why I am so perversely happy about this.

With the advent of social media platforms, this is playing out like a high school drama and I am flipping loving it. Ok, so first of all, Sanders’ wife, Liberty Ross, took to Twitter almost as soon as the split was announced to post the kind of cryptic, pseudo-inspirational bullshit that the average 14 year old posts when their friends won’t sit with them in the playground at lunchtime.

“sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Oh please. Heaven help us. But then she (allegedly) got kind of vengeful and (allegedly) posted this picture on her Instagram feed.

Oh snap…

In case you missed it, that’s a not-so-subtle dig at the fact that K-Stew played Snow White in Sanders’ movie. I would just like to take a second to point out that the woman posting this is a 33 year old mother of two. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t get angry. If that’s your bag, go for it. But I just feel like we should have hit a point with social media where people realise that it isn’t just a soapbox for airing your emotional turmoil and begging sympathy from strangers.

But whatever. Please feel free to keep doing so. It gives me something to do with my time. The other brilliant thing to come of this has been the flooding of the internet by indignant/outraged/upset/hysterical Twlight fans. It’s seriously the best. Jezebel has collected some lovely tweets from devastated Twilight-loving tweens. My favourite is this one though:

When we look back in 20yrs time and we ask why feminism kicked the bucket, I want you all to remember that it was because a 22 year old actress had the audacity to snog an older director behind her boyfriend’s back. Damned hussy should have sorted her shit out. (There really needs to be a font for sarcasm.)

In case the tweet-stream wasn’t enough to explain to you exactly how deranged Twilight lovers are, please watch this Chris Crocker-style video about the whole affair.

Oh that’s some quality viewing. I’ve watched it like, 6 times. It doesn’t get any less cringe-worthy. The rest of this lady’s channel is also worth checking out, because she’s the kind of super-fan who is famous for being a super-fan. She made a video of herself reacting to the release of the trailer for New Moon, or whatever the second film is called. She cries three times and screams for about 2 minutes straight. The video is only about 4 minutes long. Yeah. That kind of fan.

I’m going to wind it up now, but I couldn’t leave this post without throwing in my two cents. Kristen Stewart is 22. TWENTY-TWO, PEOPLE! I’m 22! I can’t tell my arse from my elbow. I can’t manage to make a relationship work for 3 months, let alone 3 years. Your 20s are supposed to be for making an idiot of yourself. Or at least, I hope they are, cos otherwise I’ve gone terribly wrong somewhere. Kudos to Kristen, I say. Stuff up some more. You’re allowed. Also, if you ever feel the need to re-evaluate your sexual identity, call me. The no smiling/awkward thing – it does stuff for me.