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I will preface this blog by saying that I am not, nor will I ever be, a fan of Taylor Swift. I think she’s tricked people into thinking that she’s adorable because she writes “quirky” country pop songs about failed relationships that “we can all relate to”, when in reality she writes bitchy hate notes about relationships that don’t go her way and convinces 14 year olds that the most appropriate way to deal with feelings is to publicly shame the other person and disregard any wrong-doing on your part. Having said that, she is dating a Kennedy and just bought another house worth a couple of million, while I’m sitting in bed waiting for pay-day so I can eat something that isn’t pasta… So I guess she’s winning. But whatever. Point is, she recently released a new video for her song We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. And it’s accidentally by-passed ‘quirky’ and gone straight to ‘fucking weird’. Check it out.

Did anyone else spend most of that whole thing in open-mouthed amazement? Because whoever was responsible for this concept has clearly lost their mind. I don’t even know where to start…

Actually, I definitely do know where to start. Let’s skip over the intro where there is some weird, slightly terrifying craft bird stuffed in the tree outside Swift’s window and jump straight to the fact that there the whole band (who magically appear in her living room) is made up of furries. Like, for no reason, suddenly, people in animal costume! What the ever-loving fuck?

The guy in the back’s face screams “this is not what I signed up for.”

I’m not even sure what everyone is supposed to be dressed as, but I do know that the overly enthusiastic girl with the violin is a squirrel. More on her later. Right now, let’s have a look at this guy:

He has this face THE WHOLE MOTHER-FLIPPING TIME. Like…actually the whole time. It’s terrifying. I don’t know how to cope with it. So I’m not. I’m just going to move onto the other over-enthusiastic guy:

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!!? What bizarre-o extras agency provided them!? Or are they the regular members of Swift’s touring band? Because if that’s the case, I feel like that tour bus might be the seventh circle of Hell.

Now, it’s nigh on impossible to get a good screen shot of it, but when the party scene comes around, keep an eye on over-enthusiastic squirrel lady, because she totally stacks it while doing some sort of manic-pixie-dream-girl jumping dance on the couch. No one acknowledges it and we move on. Which is brilliant.

While the sudden appearance of people in animal costume (and a car made out of cardboard) is my main peeve in this video, I am also annoyed by Swift’s need to reinforce what a good girl she is by wearing glasses. She did it in that other obnoxious song she released, You Belong With Me, which has that catchy little line – “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”, which essentially translates to: “she’s a dirty tramp and you should like me better.”

“I wear glasses because I am a nice girl.”

“So you should ditch your brunette hooker of a girlfriend and come hang out with me.”

It’s a cheap gimmick that’s been used in every 90s teen flick ever and while a lot of people reference those ironically, I get the impression that isn’t what’s going on here. Anyway, if the “nice girl with glasses” thing has failed for you so many times, Taylor (like, enough times to pad out a couple of albums) you should probably just find a new gimmick. Or, at the very least, stop doing that weird drunk girl pointing dance thing.

Just point and mime like you’ve had a few too many beers on a Saturday night! Yeah, like that!

Anyway, I hate that video. I hate that song and I hate that I’m another 24 hours off getting paid this week. So, I guess the moral of today’s blog is Taylor Swift shouldn’t make videos when I’m out of food because it makes me a grumpy mother-jumper.