This blog post is probably gonna be a little…ahem… Not Safe For Work. While I was musing over what to write about this week, my best friend sent me a text shouting about how I should write a blog about how vampires are “just giant sparkly dildos now.” She was watching The Vampire Diaries and, in her emotional distress, had forgotten that I had already done a blog on that (albeit with less use of the word ‘dildo’). But that got me thinking. The internet is a wonderful place. And by “wonderful” I mean “horrifying and confusing most of the time”. Like most of you, I’ve seen a lot of stuff I wish I hadn’t. Rather than repressing those memories, I thought I’d dredge them up and share them with you all by finding my top 5 weird ways pop culture has made the jump into the bedroom.
- Alice in Wonderland vibrators exist. I just thought I would put that out there. I’m not entirely sure how I know that. But I do. There’s five to choose from: The White Wabbit (after the rabbit, obviously), the Pleasure Pillar (after the caterpillar), the Heavenly Heart (after the Queen), the Mystical Mushroom (no word on whether eating it makes you any bigger) and, perhaps most disturbingly, the Kinky Kat, which looks like this:
Do I love Alice In Wonderland? Yes. Do I want Alice in Wonderland in or around my vagina? No. Definitely not. At least the website selling it seems to have some understanding that a smiling, vibrating cat is a little odd. The product description reads: “The Cheshire Cat Vibrator is small, at about 5 inches long, so you can easily hide it from anyone who might find you a little mad for using a cartoon cat as a sex toy.” They’re also concerned about safety. One reviewer notes that “the ears are a little pointy so it’s probably not suitable for ass play.” Good to know. Safety first, kids. (No…seriously. Safety first. I mean it.)
- My dislike of the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is well-documented. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that UK company, Lovehoney, had teamed up with author E.L James for a range of official 50 Shades of Grey sexy merch. (Pro tip: Non-existant. My excitement was non-existant.)
It’s everything you need to get started with the kinky sex, including a whip, a crop, blindfolds… I think I see a buttplug in there? And I mean, good for you, wanting to explore kinks. It’s good. Consensual, loving, kinky sex shouldn’t be demonised. But I do kind of pity you if you’re going to try basing your new sexual exploits off some really poorly written erotic fiction that may or may not use the phrase “love cave” at one point or another.
- Hello Kitty is literally everywhere – it’s covered every product imaginable. So, I guess bedroom fun was the next logical step?
My favourite thing about these was that they were originally marketed as shoulder massagers, despite the fact that they are obviously a totally inappropriate design for massaging shoulders. I mean…looking at them, they’re a totally inappropriate design for anything you’d want to put between your legs as well, but I dunno. Either way, the company has stood by them as “shoulder massagers” and continues to manufacture them. They release them periodically and with a little internet magic and some hefty shipping costs you can now buy them outside Japan. Lucky you.
- A big part of me wanted to mentiioned the Twilight themed dildo, because it sparkles and is designed to be put in the fridge so you can get that authentic “vampire dong” cold. But then I found a line of completely unofficial Alien and Predator themed dildos and I couldn’t really go past it. This one is so thoroughly ridiculous I don’t even know where to start. It’s called the PredAlien.
That monstrosity is 32cm long, and has a circumference of 24cm at its widest point. So it’s huge. But perhaps more importantly, someone has sat down and thought, not only about how the Predator and Alien’s penises would look, but how a cross between Predator and Alien’s penises would look. And then brought that to life. In case you’re interested, there’s also an Avatar themed one. Please take note that the website is called “Aliendildos.com” and I take no responsibility for what you see when you click that link. I warned you.
- Or maybe you just like to snuggle. By now we’re all familiar with the concept of the body pillow. If you aren’t you probably haven’t watched enough 30 Rock or at least, you haven’t seen the James Franco episode.
Anyway, body pillows as merchandise aren’t that uncommon, but my favourite comes from the world of K-pop. G-Dragon, leader of K-pop boy band juggernaut Big Bang, recently released some solo material and performed a series of stadium shows. Of course, there was merch available – everything from your usual t-shirts and jumpers, to fake nails and scented candles (no…seriously). There was also this terrifying body pillow:
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the photoshoot that required him to make kissy faces at the air whilst putting his arm around a pretend girlfriend. But anyway. It’s creepy… but you could be forgiven for assuming that it was a reasonably inoffensive object. Some people are huggers. Whatever. But then this came accross my Tumblr dashboard the other day:
SOMEONE ADDED TINY LITTLE LEGS TO IT. TINY LITTLE LEGS WITH TINY LITTLE SHORT SHORTS. And that’s when you remember that some people are not just looking for a cuddle. I dunno… I just don’t feel like this is what they intended when they made the pillow.
Anyway. I think I had probably way too much fun writing that. Poking around websites that sell sex toys is both funny and educational. Did you know they sell a fitness ball (like those big ones you see at the gym) with a vibrator attached? The tag line is “get fit and get off with the Vibrating Sex Ball”. I like that they just went with the most obvious name… it is literally a ball that has a vibrating dildo attached, so they called it a Vibrating Sex Ball. Genius. Alright, I’m done.