Baby’s On Fire

So, I am back up and running officially. I have moved (most of) my furniture into my new house. I have a laptop (that works fairly well save for a sometimes dysfunctional ‘u’ key). I have an internet connection. I am as close to being a functioning human being as I ever was. Or I was until the Australian summer hit. I forgot how much I hated the warmer weather until the temperature peaked out at 40-something degrees today. The bottom of half of the country is on fire again.  Every time I go outside my pale skin explodes in a mixture of sunburn and freckles. Simple tasks like “sitting up” result in such out pourings of sweat that costume changes are required. In short, right at this particular juncture, the heat is all I am thinking about. Well, that and the Kimye baby, but I’ve already written about that, so I think I’m going to go with writing about the heat. (Even as I wrote that my brain provided, “No, it is too hot. Go to sleep and that way you won’t have to think about it.” Which is true, but not especially helpful.)

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you: Top Tips For Staying Cool Stolen from Pop Culture

  • Follow Nelly’s advice and take off all your clothes – We all remember Nelly’s smash single Hot in Herre (yes, it is spelled with two ‘r’s and it’s prononced “hurr”, for the record). Well, in theory, “taking it off like you’re home alone” is probably the best way to deal with the heat. Personally, I have been lying on my back in a pair of gly knickers and a singlet most of today. Having said that, I’m not sure I agree with the premise of the video for this one.

    Basically, Nelly rocks up to a club where the women are already scantily clad, proceeds to make the club a little hotter just by existing, and then everybody gets more naked than they were initially and rubs on each other. Rubbing on each other is not an efficient way to stay cool, people! Either way, this video neatly illustrates my least favourite element of summer: you can only get so cool before you can’t do any more. These women are already pretty naked. Then they get more naked. What happens once they reach actual nudity? There’s nowhere to go. If you’re still hot, you’re screwed!
  • Iced lollies in the style of Bernard Black- Hands up who loves British comedy? If you could see me now I would be flailing my arms dramatically. Blackbooks is one of my favourites. It focusses on a London bookshop run by a grmpy, Irish alcholic named Bernard Black. It’s kind of hard to explain beyond that but they have a whole episode dedicated to the British summer heat wave, which is very funny except when you consider that the temperature that Manny, Bernard’s offsider, loses his mind at is 88°F which translates to about 31°C, which is about 10° cooler than what I’ve been coping with. Anyway, as usual Bernard has come up with a brilliant way to stay cool.

    He has literally created an alco-pop. I’m not saying it would work in real life, but can you imagine how excellent it would be if it did. I’d never leave my house.
  • Ice cubes in the style of Mookie from Do the Right Thing – If you haven’t seen Do The Right Thing, you probably should. It’s directed by Spike Lee and is an interesting look at racial tensions in the US. But that’s not what we’re focussing on here. This blog is about heat and Do The Right Thing is set in the middle of a sweltering New York summer. Mookie convinces his girlfriend to get naked and then gets creative with some ice cubes.

    Obviously, I can’t find you the whole clip on YouTube, but Mookie dutifully rubs down various parts of his girlfriend’s body with ice whilst reciting a little prayer: “God bless the left nipple, God bless the right nipple…” and so on and so forth. Seems like a reasonable way to cool down, although the explosive outcome of the movie would probably suggest otherwise. Anyway, I’ll be waiting here with a tray of ice cubes if there are any takers.
  • When in doubt: beach – Every summer, pop culture inundates us with a plethora of summer themed movies about a bunch of hip teens who just hang out at the beach and have sex or something. I know for a lot of you this sounds absolutely nothing like your summer experiences. I grew up in the middle of nowhere and the closest thing we had to a beach was a nearly-dry river bed that smelled like cow shit and if you were really lucky you wouldn’t accidentally impale yourself on a stick hidden in the sludgy water. Essentially, I was as far from a beach as humanly possible. But I still loved the summer beach movies. I think it’s the theory of it – the more you watch people cooling off in the water, the cooler you become. I don’t know if it actually worked, but I know I spent a lot of time watching Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush and also Point Break, with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Actually, I’m changing the title of this tip. It is now, watch Point Break on repeat all summer. Have this compilation of the best lines from the film.
  • Stoyn Ice Cream – I know the rest of these are things from movies, movies and TV but this is just too damn cool not to mention. Stoyn Ice Cream makes hyper-real edible ice cream sculptures in some rad flavours, and they look amazing. I dunno how accessible they are, half their website is in Russian (I think?) but damn if I don’t want to nom the bejesus out of them.

    They also released a sexy little range of 80s horror movie themed ones. They’re pretty much the coolest. You can find their website here.

Well, there it is. Those of you who are dealing with the heat, drink lots of water, find a fan, lie very still. I know I joked about it before (and in the title) but the bottom half of Australia is on fire. Again. If you’re interested in helping out with that, the Australian Red Cross helps out a lot. Or you can support your rural fire service in Victoria or NSW as well.

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