Britney, Bitch

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I love Britney Spears and I love her new single. And before everyone jumps on my dick with that ironic “yeah I totally love Britney too lulz”, you can all buzz right off. I unironically, unashamedly enjoy Britney and I think that Work Bitch is legitimately fantastic. I know it’s cool to sarcastically “enjoy” something and that your “enjoyment” is supposed to be some sort of bullshit meta commentary on the state of pop culture and marketing, and is, more importantly, designed to impress upon the people around you exactly how far you’re levitating above everyone else in terms of cool points. But you know what, sometimes you just like things. And I like this. A lot. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, I present Britney Spears’, Work Bitch:

Britney had a rough couple of years there, throughout which I was very firmly located on the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE” train, although with less runny mascara.

Picture of the blogger several years ago.

Picture of the blogger circa 2007.

If you read a lot of gossip mags (I do), you’re probably used to seeing Brit in denim cut-offs with bad extensions, holding a McDonalds bag, captioned with some snide commentary about the fact that she no longer has a rock solid stomach. Leaving aside the fact that she had two children and is totally entitled to eat McDonalds and not have abs of steel, she is looking fine as hell. In fact, as you can see from my incredibly detailed scientific study below, there is literally no difference between Britney’s bare stomach in Oops I Did It Again and Britney’s bare stomach thirteen years and two children later in Work Bitch.

Exactly the same.

Exactly the same. Science.

Moving on from the fact that she hasn’t aged (or her stomach hasn’t anyway), the video itself has everything you’d want from a new, more adult Britney. There’s expensive cars, group choreography in a desert, multiple outfit changes, some light bondage, a couple of minor explosions and a shark tank. I’ve seen some complaints about the fact that her dancing isn’t up to scratch, but I did another highly scientific study and came up with some startling results:


1999 – Hit Me Baby One More Time vs. 2013 – Work Bitch

You can see, in the 14 years between videos, the size of the heel Britney is required to dance in has increased 600% (note: may not actually be 600%). I think this can probably be blamed on the fact that Sketchers and track pants are no longer a fashion statement (how we all yearn for those days). Personally, I would be struggling to stand in those glittery Louboutins, let alone perform any sort of movement, so I think the fact that she manages to get through what minimal choreography there is, is impressive and deserves a round of applause.

As for the song itself, it’s the perfect “getting shit done” song. On the one hand, you have the kind of mindless Eurotrash dance beat that just invites doing things in double time. I have gotten my morning routine down to under 15 minutes thanks to this song. Which is a godsend, because I frequently stay up til 2am blogging and thus need all the sleep I can get. On the other hand, the lyrics are literally telling you to work. Admittedly, they’re telling you to work for relatively unattainable things. I’m never going to be able to afford a Maserati or Bulgari working in the arts (or in anything else I’m qualified to do… like working in retail), but having Brit whispering “work, work, work” in your ear makes doing trivial shit twice as fast seem like it will result in something marvellous.

Anyway, all I’m saying is, I like this song a bunch and the video has a shark tank so I was already going to love it. Don’t kill my vibe. Give in to Britney, bitch.

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