The Grammy Awards are coming up. I love the Grammy Awards. They are a ridiculous show of back patting and circle-jerking and, perhaps more importantly, they’re not as classy as the Oscars, so celebrities feel free to chuck on whatever ridiculous shit they feel like and call it fashion. There’s boobs and butts and boners everywhere and it’s wonderful. But the grinches over at CBS want to take all of that away from us. They have sent an email out to various people connected to the Grammys guest list detailing exactly what they don’t want to see in 2013’s fashion frollicks.
- “Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered.”
- “Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy undercurves of the buttocks and buttock crack.”
- “Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.”
- “Please ensure that the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.”
- “Foreign language on the wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST.”
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world where Lil Kim can’t show up to the Grammys and accept an award wearing nipple pasties as a dress.
Or a world where Diana Ross can’t then lend a hand on stage to support Kim’s one stray boob.
Does CBS not realise that the only reason people tune in to watch their boring-ass awards ceremony is for moments like these? That the rest of the ceremony is actually, as I said before, just a circle-jerk and none of the television watching public actually gives a shit?
As usual, the other thing that totally irritates me about this list is the fact that the whole thing is entirely directed at making sure that women aren’t “too sexy”. They actually emphasise the fact that we’re not allowed to expose “female breast nipples” or “the bare sides or under curvature of breasts.” Is it just me, or does that seem awfully specific? But then as soon as we get below the belt, they’re scared to say the word “vagina” – it becomes “puffy bare skin exposure”. I like to imagine the gentleman who wrote this as being fascinated by the word nipple, but struggling to come to terms with how to describe the labia. “Guys, guys! You know those things. The things ladies have? Yes the hoo-hoo. How would we describe the bits of the hoo-hoo, guys? Pillowy? No sounds too entincing. We don’t want to entice anyone. Heavens no! We can’t say vagina! Get out, Stevens! You’ve always been a wild card. Puffy? Puffy, works.”
Ladies, take notes: you have to look sexy, that’s a given, but it can’t be too sexy because we don’t want to offend anyone, but we also don’t want your outfits to be so boring that everyone gets slammed in the press and no one watches the show, so what we need you to do is find that elusive land directly in the middle of “virgin” and “whore” and if you cock it up we’ll crucify you.
I think Richard Marx summed it up better than I can really:
Yeah, that’s right kids. Chris Brown is performing again this year. Enjoy!