A couple of years ago, Victoria Beckham had another baby. It was a little girl. She called it Harper. As far as I know, the child has never worn the same outfit twice and is frequently colour co-ordinated with her mother. Much like a designer handbag. Except more loved. Or something. Anyway. All was right with the world. Until shit got super-weird and now I’m uncomfortable. Harper Beckham has a professional impersonator. That’s right. A UK mother by the name of Lisa Clutten is at this very second, hiring out her two year old daughter, Freya, to pretend to be Harper Beckham at parties.
I don’t know if you’ve ever looked into it before, but the world of celebrity impersonators is a very strange thing. It’s one thing to pretend to be Elvis at parties. We all know Elvis is dead (except for the 7% of Americans who don’t believe he is, but that’s a whole other blog post), so having him loiter around at parties isn’t all that strange and old white dudes seem to get a kick out of putting on rhinestone capes so whatever. (There’s another blog post that could be dedicated to the fact that people only ever dress up as fat, depressed Elvis, but I digress.) However, paying for someone who looks vaguely like Brad Pitt to stand around your party and make small talk with the guests is just really odd. It takes a certain type of person to be a celebrity impersoantor and it takes a certain type of person to hire a celebrity impersonator and I’m not sure I want to be either of those people.
The idea of the celebrity impersonator is a relatively simple one: you make yourself and your event looking important by having “celebrities” loiter around looking ritzy. The fact that you’ve hired someone means that it just looks like you and your party weren’t important or interesting enough to have actual famous people there and you had a chunk of budget left over, but we will disregard that fact for a second… BECAUSE SOME WOMAN IS USING HER TWO YEAR OLD FOR THIS PURPOSE.
For starters, why would anyone need a Harper Beckham look-alike? Does she go around with the Posh and Becks impersonators so that they enhance their “tired and cranky parent routine”? According to the articles, Freya Clutten has been offered a modelling contract with an online retailer called My1stYears. The brand offered personalised baby clothes which, from what I can gather, is all a bunch of gear with the baby’s name printed on it in Comic Sans. Originally the website offered the contract to the actual Harper Beckham, but shockingly enough, the Beckhams refused. Enter Freya. Apparently the company saw her and just knew they had to have her. The company’s director, Daniel Price says, “We believe that celebrity babies are changing the baby fashion industry and we want to stay at the forefront of the industry. What better way than having a Harper Beckham lookalike to represent our brand?” I can think of a few better ways, Daniel.
Apparently the comparisons between the two have gotten to the point where Freya points at pictures of baby Harper in a magazine and says “Harper, me.” WHICH IS TERRIBLE. What happens when they grow up and all of Freya’s hopes and dreams rest on the fact that she was once Harper Beckham, but now they look less and less alike and is actually kind of failing at life and isn’t particularly pretty or successful, and meanwhile the actual Harper Beckham is sidling around with billions of dollars behind her and being wealthy and successful just by the accident of birth? That’s how downward spirals into alcoholism start, people!