Golden Globes Gowns

Awards season is upon us again and that means that coincidentally, my favourite time of the year is also here: tis the season of awards ceremony best and worst dressed lists! My love of these lists stems from the fact that, despite the fact that most of the women who show up to these red carpet events would look good in a paper bag, there are pages of gossip mag and fashion blog dedicated to how awful they look. Even the classy magazines like Harper’s Bazarr get stuck in, albeit in a slightly more underhanded fashion. The dresses Harper’s loves are described as “elegant”, “on trend” and “stunning”, the dresses they hate get less adjectives and more basic product description, for example: “Actress  A is wearing a dress that shows off some shoulder.” You can practically hear the team who puts the slideshow together rolling their eyes and shouting, “BORING, ILL-FITTING, FABRIC IS TOO HEAVY DUH!” whilst chugging back their 17th cup of coffee for the day and plotting ways that they could have done it better if only they’d been given the chance.

That’s not to say that I don’t love to get stuck in. I definitely do, but mostly because I thoroughly disagree with the choices being made for other website’s lists. So I’ve gone through and made some corrections.

This dress was described by Harper’s Bazaar as being “light, chic and subtly patterned”. If that is what “subtly patterned” looks like, “unsubtle” must be the equivalent of getting a tonne of bricks dropped on your head. Not that Nicole Richie doesn’t make the dress work, but my favourite thing about this photo is the fact that despite a serious media makeover she still can’t escape her trashy, Paris-Hilton-partying roots with some seriously heavy blue and black eye make up that screams “I used to dance on tables on reality TV.”

Amy Adams’ dress was described as being “ethereal” which I think my be another way of saying “had to do a double-take to check that she’d actually put on a dress before attending the awards ceremony.”

Olivia Munn is apparently “elegant” in this “intricately beaded” number. To me, the dress looks like the accidental leftovers of a Spice Girls video clip. Which one was always wearing boob tubes? Was it Ginger? I think it was Ginger Spice. Basically, what I’m saying is, that if that “intricate beading” had somehow worked its way into the shape of a Union Jack, Olivia could have been Ginger Spice with a longer hemline and less platform boots.

I don’t even know where to start with this. Halle Berry, as usual, looks age-defyingly flawless (damn her) but the dress just kind of looks like a ripped up sarong that’s been draped over something vaguely less sarong like and she would look super hot if she was standing at the beach in a bikini with that on. As it is, she’s on the red carpet for the Golden Globes and looks about as close to “hot mess’ as you can  get when you’d look good dressed in a hessian sack.

My initial thoughts on seeing Jennifer Lopez in her little lace number were “damn, Lopez is looking goooood” and “fabulous, I love it, does it come in black?” Then my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do, and I started wondering how much time and effort it takes to hot-glue that much lace to yourself and whether or not it is difficult to get off/ hideously disfiguring afterwards.

Kristen Wiig is “minimal” which is the Harper’s Bazaar way of saying “pretty boring but generally inoffensive”. And they’re right, but the more I look at this photo the more I feel like she looks like an awkward teenager on her way to a school formal (or prom, if you’re American and reading this). Like, you look at this dress and you think that at the end of the night you’re probably going to have to be responsible for holding back her hair while she vomits up a rainbow of Bacardi Breezers and Passion Pop into your best mate’s boyfriend’s cousin’s mailbox (it’s never happened to me, I swear).
So that’s as much as I can be bothered correcting. If I went through and did all of them we’d be here all day. But if you’re interested in checking out more of what Harper’s Bazaar has to say on the subject, you can find the rest of their slideshow here.

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