Fairly short post today because I’m still cleaning out my house and am also fairly certain that I have given myself chemical burns from scrubbing down the walls. Next time I’m paying someone else to do this shit. Anyway. So, you know how the apocolypse didn’t come and stuff? I think it might be coming. Kanye West has gone right ahead and proved that Kim Kardashian really is his “perfect bitch” by putting a baby in her. A baby. Those two. Kim and Kanye. Kimye. Creating life. Making something that requires them to pay attention to something that isn’t themselves for more than five seconds. Hooooow?
Kanye announced the good news at a show in Baltimore, interrupting everyone’s good time by shouting, “stop the music and make some noise for my baby mama!”, which is, I’m sure, exactly what the people had paid to see. After a couple of days of not saying anything, the Kardashian Klan then confirmed it and all hell broke loose as the gossip sites scrambled over each other to find a “source close to the couple.” Not that they really needed to. I mean, we’re talking about the Kardashians here. On a side note, how do you think the infamous Kardashian matriarch, Kris Jenner, reacted? Do you think her eyes literally changed into dollar signs like in the cartoons? Because that is how I am picturing it.
Anyway, I’m calling ‘end of the world’ on this one. I think I mentioned in my previous post about Kimye that I was surprised their relationship hadn’t caused a black hole of narcissism to open up and gradually tear the world apart. Having thought about it since, I figured that the black hole probably needs time to gestate. Kim and Kanye are pretty self absorbed but it would take a lot for them to just have to stand in the same room as each other and cause the apocolypse. Enter “the Kimye baby”. In nine months time Kim Kardashian is going to give birth and it will be one of two things:
- a actual black hole of narcissism, into which we will all be sucked, screaming, “Yeeezy! Why!? You were a motherfucking lyrical genius! It didn’t have to end like this!” But it will be too late, because, being in the closest proximity to Kim K at the time of birth, Kanye will have been the first to go.
- you’ve all seen The Omen, right? Everything will be fine for a couple of years until, suddenly BAM! Nannies will throw themselves out of windows, dogs will go crazy and a series of unfortunate events involving panes of glass and church spires will result in the deaths of a bunch of people. It’ll be the end of the world as we know it. Just keep an eye out and make sure that Kimye don’t call the baby Damien and everything will be alright.
Or, alternatively, they could just have a nice, normal, healthy baby boy or girl and then spend a really long time sitting around trying to come up with a suitable ‘K’ themed name for the kid so that one day he or she can be indoctrinated into the family business. Which family business is unclear – I’m hoping for “writing and producing badass albums potentially featuring Jay Z and Beyonce’s child” but would also settle for “starring in really boring amateur porn with rapper/actors who have ryhming names.”
That’s it. That’s the gag. I’m going back to scrubbing walls… possibly whilst listening to The Omen soundtrack.