Channing Tatum is a Giant Slab of Beef

Every year People magazine runs its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ thing. Which is cool, because we all know that these things are subjective and while you may not find the official ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ to be the actual Sexiest Man Alive there’s like 50 dudes on the list so you’re bound to find something that gets you a little hot under the collar (or like… lukewarm, or something). This year Channing Tatum is People‘s Sexiest Man Alive. Which, like I said, is fine… except that I feel like I might be the only woman in the world who is not even remotely attracted to Channing Tatum.

That goatee is really doing things for me.

Ever since Magic Mike came out I’ve had this problem where perfectly sane, nice women I know, who generally have good taste in stuff, have totally lost their marbles for Channing Tatum and I just don’t get it. I’ve seen People‘s list of past man candy and even the ones that don’t make me go weak at the knees have a certain somethin’ somethin’. Jude Law has sparkly eyes that cancel out his receding hairline, Hugh Jackman was Wolverine, Sean Connery sounds like he gargled gravel and is just kind of a badass. These are all things I could go for. Channing Tatum has none of these things. Aside from the fact that someone, somewhere decided to name him Channing, thus spawning a whole generation of unfortunately named children, Channing Tatum is a bland man. He is the plain chips of the silver screen.

In an attempt to enlighten myself to the sexiness and potentially jump on the bandwagon (I love a good bandwagon), I took to Facebook to ask the female (and male) population what they thought was so sexy about Mr. Tatum. The overwhelming response was something to the effect of “UMPH OMG I WANT TO LICK HIS STOMACH SO SEXY ABS ABS ABS AHHHH!” So I guess they’re a focal point or something.

No one taught Channing how to wear the sunglasses.

I’m not really an abs lady and, like I said, he was a boring head, so I went to the second choice. The other response I got was “Channing Tatum is a god. It’s the dancing.” So I thought I would look at the dancing, because I remembered that he had been in Step Up and then got his stripper on in Magic Mike and I appreciate a good dance sequence in any film (the more out of context, the better). This is the scene that came up first on YouTube:

There were several things that stood out for me during that little shebang… none of them involved good dancing. First of all, while I’m pretty sure that I’m supposed to be turned on by that weird little ground-hump-backwards-butt-wobble thing he did, I’m mostly just impressed by the fact that he managed to take off his tank top without knocking his baseball cap off. How many takes do you think had to happen for that go as planned? Is that a skill that can be taught? Do the same set of skills apply to getting your pants off without shoe removal? Because that’s a skill I can get behind. Second of all, HE RUBS HIS TANK TOP ON HIS CROTCH AND THROWS IT AT SOMEONE. Is crotch sweat sexy now? Did I miss something? The only thing that was going through my head when I watched that bit was “ew ew ew I be that smells AWFUL.” The only other thought I had about this scenario was the fact that he does a lot of booty rockin’ everywhere in this clip and throughout the rest of the film. He does all of the aforementioned booty rockin’ in a thong, which I just don’t feel would provide an adequate amount of support for his junk. Which means that his junk is probably bouncing everywhere in a way that is probably really uncomfortable and definitely makes me feel a little nauseous.

Look, I tried, OK? I tried to get on board but from what I can gather, Channing Tatum is enjoyable becuase he is a wiggly slab of beef and no one is really looking at his head. Am I right? …I dunno. I’m probably the wrong person to be thinking about this. I’m beginning to think my idea of sexy is probably a little different to everyone else’s.

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8 thoughts on “Channing Tatum is a Giant Slab of Beef

  1. You know as well as I do that beef isn’t generally my thing either….but I have to be the odd one…it’s his face. He has that look…I dunno what it is….but I want to pour chocolate sauce all over him and lick it off…

  2. I’m with you: Channing Tatum actually turns me off. After hearing lots of (surprisingly) good things about Step Up and his performance, I watched it and thought I’d seen the wrong movie because it was just BAD. (I am a person who saw Dirty Dancing when I was little a few times in the theater AND when it was re-released when I was in college.) His “dance” “moves” were not good. If he’d been in Breakin’, maybe I could defend them, but no. And Magic Mike was, in addition to having almost no plot, not at all sexy.

    I was amused when the Internet exploded last year after People named Bradley Cooper instead of Ryan Gosling (the better choice, obvs), but this is really scraping the barrel. Ugh.

    At least you have a sense of humor about it. I’m just totally mystified.

    • There isn’t really anything that great about Step Up. I just like films that are predominantly made up of irrelevant dance sequences and that one definitely comes into that category.
      I find Magic Mike goes better if you just play the stripping scenes with Miss New Booty over the top of them. Still not sexy, but infinitely funnier.
      Ryan Gosling was obviously a better choice that year. Silly, People. Silly.

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