Y’all know that I loved the Avengers movie (see: that post I did where I just vomited feelings for 1000 plus words). Having said that, I can’t say that, whilst watching the film, I ever thought “Goddamn, I wish I could smell like an Avenger. I bet Thor smells fucking amazing.” Thankfully, someone did and you can now buy a full range of Avengers themed colognes for the man in your life.
So, what exactly does a “heroic men’s frangrance” smell like? Shall we take a gander at the product tags? Yes, let’s… because apparently each perfume is “painstakingly created to invoke affinity for its character.”
Mark VII Armor Up Cologne: A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the elements and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Smell just like Tony Stark!
SMASH! Be Angry Cologne: Rare materials create a cologne evoking both timeless freedom and a single-minded passion for life. Smell just like Bruce Banner!
Worthy Possess the Power Cologne: Sensual. seductive dark amber and cedar wood protect and enhance a deep, almost God-like musk. Smell just like Thor!
Patriot Your Attack Plan Cologne: Paying homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard-working average Joe in every man. Smell just Steve Rogers!
I did not make any of that up. That’s the actual product description on the website. I love whoever writes the taglines for perfumes. Genuinely. Without them, this blog wouldn’t have half as much content as it does. I mean, they actually used the phrase “deep, almost God-like musk” to talk about a perfume that’s supposed to smell like Thor. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Anyway, what interests me most about product is the fact that they claim to “smell just like” whichever character they’re talking about. Honestly though, I don’t know if the first thing that comes to mind when I think of “stuff the Hulk would smell like” is “timeless freedom.” In fact, I’m not sure if I know what “timeless freedom” is, let alone what it smells like. Does freedom have a smell? As such, I have revamped the character-based cologne to be a little more accurate.
Money Charmingly Smug Cologne: Perhaps unsurprisingly, the cologne based on Iron Man smells a little bit like a the inside of the metal shop class that your school made you take – tangy and a bit like rust. But becuase it’s based on Iron Man and not just iron, you more subtle after-notes of alcoholism in the form of expensive whiskey fumes. Smell just like Tony Stark (and his drinking problem)!
SMASH! Emotional Instablity Cologne: It’s hard work being an over-sized, emotionally unstable, slightly radioactive green guy, and as such, the Hulk cologne smells predominantly like sweat with competing scents of brick dust from all the buildings Hulk has inadvertently smashed. In tribute to Bruce Banner and his science-y ways, there has been also a subtle after-smell of disinfectant. Smell just like the Hulk!
Hammer Time Luscious Flowing Golden God Hair Cologne: Given that Thor is a God from another dimension, we couldn’t really make his perfume smell like all the things that Thor actually smells like on a day -to-day basis. However, upon arriving in our dimension, Thor did quickly discover the wide range of hair care products needed to keep his golden God-locks in check. Thor’s cologne is a heady mix of floral shampoo and conditioner scents. Smell just like Thor (and also like Chris Hemsworth, because that isn’t a wig, so I assume he mostly just smells like the hair care aisle at a supermarket)!
‘MURICA! Patriotism n’ Eagles n’ Shit Cologne: Last but not least, we have The Cap. Naturally Captain America smells exactly like what America should smell like: a giddy mix of hotdogs, bald eagle feathers and the inside of a baseball glove. It’s the perfect cologne for the patriot you know you are. Smell exactly like Steve Rogers!
What do you think? Sound a little more true to character? I like the fact that they neglected to include Hawkeye and the Black Widow as part of their team, but since those two are basically just shiny assassains they’d probably smell like blood and the tears of the doomed. Nobody wants that, really. If you’re interested and didn’t click the link before, the box set of four retails for $59.99 and is apparently perfect for father’s day or graduation gifts. They also have a range of Star Trek themed colognes, one of which features George Takei’s face. Awesome.