Tiny Girl, Big Sunglasses, Old Boyfriend

14

Nov

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I don’t often think about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I never think about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. They tend not to occupy much of my time because, from memory, they made their bajillions at a tiny age and have since ceased to do anything of note. Except make overpriced clothes. And stand around looking vaguely disgruntled/a bit smug at events. Or something. I don’t know. Whatever.

Creepy twin pose, ok… go!

So recently, one of the twins, Mary-Kate (don’t ask me which one that is because they look exactly the same to me – apparently one of them is supposed to be more fashionable, but I don’t know how we’re supposed to tell) started dating Olivier Sarkozy, who is a 43 year old banker and half-brother of Nicholas Sarkozy, the former French President. Normally the 17 year age gap wouldn’t really bother me. Partially because I don’t think that sort of thing should be a barrier to love (provided that everyone involved is well above the age of consent), but mostly because there is no way that, after beginning their career at 9 months old and growing up in the spotlight, that the Olsens don’t have some daddy issues.

But then I started seeing paparazzi photos everywhere and they genuininely kind of creep me out because IT LOOKS LIKE HE HAS KIDNAPPED A 14 YEAR OLD!

The sunglasses are to hide the fact that her eyes are pleading “send help.”

On one side, we have Sarkozy’s child from a previous marriage, and on the other we have Mary-Kate Olsen. Spot the difference. Aside from the fact that one looks like a grumpy teenager while the other looks relatively happy, they look about the same age. I can’t tell if that’s because Sarkozy’s child is ahead of herself or because Mary-Kate Olsen never hit puberty. I’m thinking it might be the latter. Anyway, adding further proof to my “kidnapped a schoolgirl” theory, there is this photo:

Oh… oh God.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE UNCOMFORTABLE COUPLE PHOTO? It looks like he has her trapped in an airport. Mary-Kate Olsen looks like a terrified 8 year old, which is more facial expression than she ever managed to muster during her career as an actress. Seriously though, did she ever hit puberty? Because it doesn’t look like she did and that worries me somewhat. The whole scenario makes me cringe just looking at it. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be actually involved. Olivier Sarkozy, unhand that Olsen! You’re making us all feel a little bit ill. (On the upside, my new tag-line may now be “Unhand that Olsen!” I think it has potential.)

On a side note, since it’s practically impossible to tell them apart, how do we know it’s Mary-Kate Olsen dating Olivier Sarkozy and not Ashley? How do the paparazzi tell them apart to follow around? Has someone attached a post-it note to their backs? I don’t understand.

Joking aside, I guess they must be happy or something. They’ve bought an apartment in the East Village  worth $6 million. Nothing says love like spending $6 million on an apartment together. (Maybe it has a basement to lock the Olsen in?) Anyway, I’m signing off because this whole scenario is making me feel awkward, like I’ve stumbled across something gross on the internet. I’m going to go back to not thinking about the Olsens and trying to forget I know who Olivier Sarkozy is. I swear this blog will be back to its usual standards of slightly longer and more in depth shit-talking when I’m not swamped by the 8 million things I’m avoiding doing.

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