Tom Hardy: I’m Embarrassed For You.

Some people really shouldn’t be allowed to have the internet. Tom Hardy is one of those people. I say this with love, because I love Tom Hardy. I think he’s very talented and his endless capacity to put on muscle and then lose muscle and then put it on again deserves some sort of Oscar category unto itself. But Tom Hardy is a man with a lot of feelings. How do I know this? Because someone gave Tom Hardy the internet long before he became famous. You can kind of guess from interviews that Hardy is kind of an embarrassingly emotional human being. Once, when asked about wearing make up by a men’s magazine he went on a 15 minute tangent about poodles that ended with the words “no one fucking asks the poodle what it wants done with its hair, do they!?” He just… he has a lot of feelings, OK? And because MySpace used to be a thing, these feelings have been immortalised on the internet, along with some truly horrendous selfies. This is kind of old news, but I’m tired and lazy, so without further ado I present: A Retrospective Tom Hardy Party! (Alternatively titled: “Oh Tom…Oh honey. No. Why? Tom. Stop. Please, Tom. Why are you a giant baby?”) Featuring photos Hardy posted of himself and some of the golden quotes from his MySpace profile (with original spelling mistakes).

If you suck you suck..If you’re good I take my hat off and I’m all over you. I’ll bend over backwards to help anyone of their word.. fuck me around I’ll let it go I’m not here for stuff I’m here to live and give whatever it is I can to nourish rather than to take and move on.

I pray I don’t get caught up “living the dream.” such a lonely place. having said that; your best like my best just isn’t good enough. ever, no scarface syndrome here, no resting on laurels, there is always work to do, I’ll clean up my side of the street promptly admitting where I am wrong, the work doesn’t stop.

(this one was original captioned “I’m cookin’ turkey, yo xx”…thank you, Tom)

I have a head like a disco ball, if I say I’ll do something, unless I absolutely can’t it gets done, I never give up on humanity, I love people. I want to see communities stand up, honest and open, flexing to the fullest of their capabilities and combined usefullness. happy.

Yes…that is a selfie of Tom Hardy touching himself. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re welcome.

I could so easily be dead. My head is like a dangerous neighbourhood I should never be in it without an appropriate adult. left to my own devices I’ll crash the motor. Religion to me is a neccesssary device for the presence of combined faith, branded for those who want to get into heaven, I have to have faith, but I chose the path of spirituality, spirituality seems to me to be for those who’ve been to Hell. I don’t want to go back there. I am a goldfish walking through a desert.

This one is my personal favourite:

I’m course and straight, I act for a living now adopting characters for money, it is a languague I was born into, I always wanted to be someone else, it isn’t rocket science it’s easy, now that I’ve made amends for lying to myself, it is a trade craft nothing more…what a load of self satisfied smug and charmless tatter x

This shit writes itself. I don’t even feel the need to really comment, but if you take anything away from this, let it be that Tom Hardy is a goldfish walking through a desert. At least he spelled desert right. If you want to see more of Tom Hardy’s embarrassing internet history, go here.

Out of curiosity, I went  back and checked out my old MySpace profile. I didn’t think it would be fair to Tom if I didn’t share some of my own internet ridiculousness:

The phrase “emotional teenager” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

So that’s me, posing in virginal white. Apparently, I also thought some NIN lyrics were appropriate. The ‘About Me’ section isn’t that much better:

“Alex has a short attention span and a tenuous grip on reality. (To be fair to myself, that’s the tag line I use for all my social networks… even now. I probably need to learn to be less of a wanker.) Frequently makes the same mistake twice. Never regrets it though.”

What about ‘Who I’d Like To Meet’?

“Androgynous humanoids and wandering gypsies” apparently. My God. Teenage me was a dick. The point is, we all have embarrassing internet history. One can only hope that the generation of kids who grow up with the internet and go on to become famous are similarly silly. Makes my job easier.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to delete my MySpace. Before you do the same, perhaps you’d like to share some of your pretentious teenage musings?

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2 thoughts on “Tom Hardy: I’m Embarrassed For You.

  1. Uh, well since I was a teenager before there were even cellphones, much less MySpace, lemme just say I was a music snob, a huge snotty snob who hated Duran Duran and loved the Ramones, U2 and Culture Club. I dressed weird and loved strange pale boys in skinny ties.
    Ps. Thanks for the Tom Hardy, especially the photos. I am such a perv.

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