Before I write this post about Kesha, I shall just preface the whole thing by saying that I point blank refuse to spell her name with a ‘$’. Because it is stupid and I hate it. There is no further reasoning, really. It just annoys the bejeesus out of me because a ‘$’ is not an ‘s’ nor does it make an ‘s’ sound, so rather than proudly declaring to the world “I make millions of dollars and sleep on a giant pile of money every night” (which is what I assume it’s supposed to imply) it says “I have made a typo”. I feel so strongly about this that I have made it the title of the blog. The rest of the blog will (probably) not be about spelling.
The rest of the blog will be about the fact that Kesha is releasing an autobiography. Which is about the stupidest thing I’ve heard since Justin Bieber released an autobiography called Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story (100% Official). (On a side note, that is legitimately the full title of Justin Bieber’s autobiography, and as such, is too ridiculous not to include.) Anyway, no word on the title of Kesha’s masterwork yet, but according to EW it’s going to feature her “thoughts and reflections” and it’ll have pictures, because she’s marketed herself to a demographic that don’t have the attention span to sit through an entire book of words. The lady herself has this to say:
“In less than three years I’ve gone from being the worst waitress in LA to living out my childhood dreams of singing my songs to people all over the world. Sometimes, it feels as if the last few years have encompassed a few decades. You might have heard my voice on the radio, seen me onstage and on the red carpet, or in a music video, but that’s only a part of the story. In these pages, I’m revealing a more complete picture of what my life is really like. It’s not all glamorous and it s not all pretty, but it’s all real.”
Oh this should be good. I really hope she includes the part where she had sex with a ghost, because really, of all the things she’s done in the last two and a half years, the ghost sex is the most interesting part as far as I’m concerned.
Kesha is 25 years old. Realistically, there’s only so far that you can go with an autobiography when you’re 25. I’m 22. At the moment my autobiography would probably run something to the effect of: “Was born. High school, during which time did some questionable things regarding boys and alcohol. Travelled a bit, during which time did some questionable things, mostly just with alcohol. University, during which time did more questionable things regarding alcohol and boys. Today – ate a sandwich. Was a pretty good sandwich.” I mean, if I illustrated it and made the font really big I could probably stretch it out to about 10 pages.
Now, Kesha has a good three years on me and is an international superstar… or something, so she probably has a little more to say. At least I hope she does. I have taken the liberty of speculating (in rough note form) about some of the content that may appear in Kesha’s autobiography:
- Chapter 1 – Before I Was Famous: Was born. Kesha actual name. Poor decision making on my mother’s part. Spent a good portion of childhood trying to come up with ways to make name sound more glamorous. More on that stroke of genius later. Appeared on The Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Further poor decision making on my mother’s part. Moved to Los Angeles. Provided backing vocals on Paris Hilton’s album. Only have self to blame for that one.
- Chapter 2 – Getting Famous: Had stroke of genius. Changed ‘s’ in name to a ‘$’. Brilliant. Also, woke up having run out of toothpaste. Substituted it for Jack Daniels. Was suddenly struck by the notion that this was how P. Diddy must feel. Wrote debut album about the experience. Surprisingly successful. Now have money to do what I like. Added more glitter to life. Satisfying.
- Chapter 3 – Got Famous: Didn’t say much for a bit. Gave people the chance to calm down then BAM! Released a new single and talked to the press about having sex with ghosts. Seriously, though. Sex with ghosts – so intense. Spiritual, even.
I’m guessing the rest of it will just be pictures, Lord knows there’s enough of them.