I am not a prude. At least, I don’t think I am. When people are talking about sex, I don’t usually feel like I’ve missed the point. Or if I feel like I have missed the point, the wording is usually strong enough that I get a fairly intense visual (whether I want it or not) of how it’s supposed to go. However, I had a conversation with my flatmate last Sunday that made me think maybe I’ve never really had any idea about the sex and how it works. We were talking about Fergie. I’m not really sure why it came up, but remember that London Bridge song she did? No? ALLOW ME TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY. (Thank me later.)
Now, I assume that there is some sort of innuendo going on in that song. There are some clues, like the fact that this is a 30-something year old woman wearing pig tails and a midriff top, and part of the bridge is the line “I’m Fergie Ferg, let me love you long time” (classy). But, upon further consideration, the chorus has completely thrown me: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge wanna go down, like/ London, London, London, wanna go down like/ London, London, London, we goin’ down like. Okay, cool. I mean, wait… what? Assuming I have a “London Bridge” where is it located and, more specifically, how do I make it go down? Should I be making it go down? Once the bridge is down, how long do I need to wait before it can go back up again? This sounds like something I may need to take up yoga for, in order to achieve optimised results. Is this the case? I’m not entirely sure that sounds safe. I have no idea what’s going on. Send help.
Basically, what I discovered is that there is some innuendo that I just don’t understand. Here are five:
- Missy Elliot – Work It. Missy Elliot’s Under Construction album was brilliant because it combined two of my favourite things: dirty lady rap and weird video clips.
Now… there’s some really obvious allusions to sexy times in there. My favourite is: phone before you come, I need to shave my chacha/ You do or you won’t, you will or won’t ya/ Go downtown and eat it like a vulture. Straight to the point, super obvious and very funny. Thank you, Missy E. The problem for me comes with the chorus: Is it worth it? Let me work it/ I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it. I think I have a vague idea of what’s going on here. The problem with putting things down, flipping them and then reversing them (aside from the fact that I feel like I would probably pull something if I tried) is that I picture this:
Like… I can’t help but picture household objects in the place of the thing that I feel like she’s probably talking about. It’s a problem. On a side note, from now on I will only be communicating through the medium of stick figure, since I am clearly displaying some talent in this area.
- Kelis – Milkshake. More lady rap because this is catchy as hell and Kelis is a champion. This came out when I was 13 (oh God) and thus provided the soundtrack to many a school dance.
So, high fives all round for Kelis’ cheeky reference to the difficulties of being a woman with a sexuality (Once you get involved/ everyone will look this way, so/ You must maintain your charm/ Same time maintain your halo). Get it, girl. On the other hand, what the fuck is a milkshake and why is it attracting boys to the concrete square that I call a yard? From the video clip and other lyrical content I gather that it’s something sexual, but beyond that I’ve got no idea. How do I judge if my milkshake is better than other ladies’ milkshakes? Whilst I understand that Kelis needs to charge me if she is going to teach me the ways of the milkshake, I’d like to know what I’m buying before I cough up the cash.
- Ministry – Jesus Built My Hotrod. Slight change of pace here. I used to love Ministry and I really liked this song.
So I realise that beyond the weird mumbling about cars and Jesus at the beginning and the end of this song, the lyrics are fairly incomprehensible. I had to look them up. They weren’t much help. There’s some stuff about trailer parks and putting fingers in ladies. Basically, the most coherent part of the song is that Al Jourgensen wants us to “ding a ding dang” his “dang a long ling long.” Which, to be fair, probably means exactly what I think it means, but nonetheless sounds totally uncomfortable and like it involves a lot more waving around of the junk than I would like in a bedroom encounter.
- Rihanna – Birthday Cake. Rihanna talks about sex a lot. Usually in a really obvious kind of way… which is why this song is so confusing.
So the key lyric here is: I wanna fuck you right now/ But he wanna lick the icing off/ I know you want it in the worst way/ Can’t wait to blow my candles out/ He want that cake. I’m not even really sure where to go with this, because in my opinion food should never really be introduced into the bedroom, no matter what those women’s magazines tell you. Especially not cake. You’d be finding crumbs forever and if he missed a spot with that whole icing gambit you’d wake up even more sticky and full of regret than usual. Basically, rather than a visual of sexy sex times, this song just makes me think that whoever wrote it was probably really hungry at the time. Rihanna came in and demanded a new hit, preferably about the sex and all they could think about was boobs and cake. Which is why the outro is just the word “cake” over and over again.
- John Mayer – Your Body is a Wonderland. Yes, I understand what’s going on with this song. Just stay with me for a minute.
When asking around requesting suggestions for this list, my friends pointed out that John Mayer spends an inordinate amount of time in this song “discovering” this girl. Obviously, discovering just means he’s worked out where he can stick it. But then there’s this lyric: Take all your big plans and break them/ This is bound to be a while. Essentially, John Mayer’s lady love has to put her life on hold because Mayer may or may not have failed basic biology. Either that, or he knows something about lady bits that I don’t… but since finding “wonderland” involves searching a rabbit hole I’m kind of a little scared to go looking.
If anyone can give some insight into the exact meaning of any of those terms, please feel free to enlighten me in the comments. If you went searching and discovered some extra Wonderland-based theme park section of the female anatomy that I don’t know about, please share. Other than that, I owe many thanks to Wes and DeeDee, who are a lovely couple with a GIGANTIC CD collection which they mined to help me get this list together. You can find Wesley on Twitter and you can find DeeDee (who also goes by the name Katie, cos she’s sneaky) here. She’s crazy talented. Right. That’s it. I’m out. Be excellent to each other.