Goddamnit, Canada!

I like Canada. It’s a nice place. The scenery is very pretty, it’s got a nice national anthem and, aside from the occasional hockey-based riot, Canadians are generally pretty chilled out. What I’m saying is, I’m pro-Canada. However, they do have a slightly chequered musical output. On the one hand, they’ve got some really cool stuff – Teagan and Sara, Martha and Rufus Wainwright, Leonard Cohen and so on and so-forth. On the other hand, they’ve also got Avril Lavigne and Nickelback.

There is a lot of denim here, Canada. A lot of denim.

I’m not saying that I haven’t been guilty of loving Avril. I’m pretty sure every girl of a certain age spent at least a little bit of their early life dreaming of “sk8r bois”, wearing studded belts with cargo pants and lamenting the fact that aforementioned “sk8r bois” always had to go and make things so complicated. (If you didn’t understand those references, you need to go do some research and get back to me.) Having said that, I never liked Nickelback. No one, anywhere, ever, liked Nickelback. Except for the several million people who keep buying their albums. But those people don’t count… because they bought Nickelback albums.

Anyway, the point is that something terrifying has been bubbling away in Canada. Something that could bring about the end of the world as we know it. Avril Lavigne and Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger have been collaborating on Avril’s 5th album. (Wait! It gets better.) Not only have they been collaborating, they also used that time to “fall in love” and have been dating for the last 6 months. Which led to the next logical step. (Seriously… it gets better.) Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are getting married! Take a second to drink that in, and then have a look at this terrifying magazine cover.

It’s not just me… this looks like the reenactment of some sort of terrible high school formal photo where the trashy chick from your year took the creepy older dude who works at the service station, right?

Dating for 6 months! And now they’re getting married! Excellent! This sounds like a fool-proof plan! Shall we just stop here for a second and examine Avril’s spotless dating record? Because it’s pretty good. Avril married the lead singer of Sum 41, Deryck Whibley, when she was 22 . They got divorced three years later. Not long after that happened she started dating Brody Jenner (you know, that guy who was on that reality show and is also Kim Kardashian’s step-brother?) After about three months she thought it would be a good idea to get his name tattooed under her boob. Shockingly enough, after 2 years they split up. And now she’s getting married. To Chad Kroeger. From Nickelback. She’s 27, she’s already been divorced once, she has the names and initials of two long term partners tattooed in various places around her body and she’s marrying the dude with the creepy face who still thinks frosted tips are a look.
Clearly the girl has impulse control issues.

But whatever. Maybe they’ll get so caught up in planning their future together that they’ll forget to release the album they collaborated on. Before I sign off, I’m just going to leave you with what is definitely the best reaction to this whole affair so far. Thank you, Adam Levine of Maroon 5.

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