Back in April, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West made a decision that may or may not bring about the end of the world: they started dating. We haven’t collapsed into a vortex of narcissism and absurd displays of wealth yet, but I’m waiting. Anyway, West recently took over a New York club to debut some songs from his forthcoming album, one of which has the rather charming title of Perfect Bitch. The song is allegedly about West’s quest for the perfect lady. Apparently Kim Kardashian is that lady. West confirmed it on Twitter, but the Tweet has since been removed. LUCKY SOMEONE TOOK A SCREEN SHOT.
The song hasn’t leaked yet, so I can’t give you anything more than the title. Call me crazy, but if someone wrote a song calling me a ‘perfect bitch’ I’d probably show them what a ‘perfect punch in the mouth’ looked like. But not Kimmy. By all accounts she’s very flattered that Kanye would write a song about her and knows that he doesn’t mean ‘bitch’ in an offensive way.
Sometimes, in their quest to garner the attentions of the fairer sex, musicians get in it horribly, hilariously wrong. So, to honour the classy lyricism of Mr. West, I have scoured the internet to find my favourite dedications to the most perfect of bitches, be they the ideal hypothetical woman, a girlfriend, or that hottie in the club.
- Sexy Bitch – David Guetta ft. Akon – Akon is a bastion of tasteful lyricism, sensitively asking the ladies to “make love right now, now, now” and “smack that, ’til you get sore”, so it’s hardly surprising that Sexy Bitch is similarly wonderful.
Choice lyric: “The way that booty movin’ I can’t take no more/ She’s nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore/ I’m tryin’ to find the words to describe this girl without bein’ disrespectful/ Damn girl!/ Damn you’s a sexy bitch, you’s a sexy bitch.” Basically what I’m saying is that Akon and Guetta get the top spot for unironically trying to to describe a woman respectfully and settling on ‘sexy bitch’ as the most appropriate adjective. Hat’s off to you, lads.
- Crazy Bitch – Buckcherry – Buckcherry are a class act. Crazy Bitch is dedicated to all of those fine ladies out there who are a little bit nuts, but definitely worth having sex with. The video for this one was filmed in a bar the band hired out for the day. The ‘talent’ (i.e the sexy, and presumably crazy, ladies who populate the video) were lured in with the promise of free drinks and a chance to party with the band. Provided, of course, that they were willing to get naked and work the pole.
Choice lyric: “Take it off, the paper is your game/ You jump in bed with fame/ Another one night paid in full/ You’re so fine, it won’t be a loss/ Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face” and, of course, the chorus: “Hey! You’re crazy bitch/ But you fuck so good I’m on top of it/ When I dream, I’m doing you all night/ Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.” In case you missed it, the general gist was ‘This prositute is a bit nuts, but totally worth paying for.” Excuse me while I swoon.
- I Need a Bitch – Nate Dogg – Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg’s recently deceased cousin, needs a bitch. Not just any bitch though. He’s got very specific tastes. Thankfully for us ladies, he’s compiled a list of necessary qualities.
Choice lyric: “I need me a bitch, with some big ol’ thighs/ I need me a fine-ass motherfuckin’ bitch with some pretty-ass eyes/ I need me a bitch, like I need some cash/ I need me a bitch so I can floss that hoe and make my ex mad/ I need me a bitch, ain’t no need to lie/ I need me a bitch, so when I do some dirt she be my alibi/ I need me a bitch, like I need a 6 4/ I need me a bitch, that’ll shine my rims up and open my door.” If you have big ol’ thighs, pretty-ass eyes and are willing to perform car-washing duties, congratulations! You’ve passed the test.
- The Makings of a Perfect Bitch – Nas – Not content with waiting around for the perfect woman to materialise, Nas has decided to make her. The Makings of a Perfect Bitch describes all of the qualities Nas needs to slice out of each lady in order to create the Frankenstein’s monster of bitches.
Choice lyric: “I think I’m on a caper to abduct a nerd from the Ivy League/ Next stop the at the strip club, snatch a bad one and flee/ What’s next? I’m stakin’ out a 5 star restaurant to kidnap the chef/ Say goodbye to the stress.” Also this: “I’m her daddy, I’m her messiah, I’m god/ Cause I injected obedience and loyalty in her heart.” I guess all I can really say to this is kudos on a thorough understanding and original interpretation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein ? Also…maybe see a psychologist? There’s something a little perverse about needing to be a lover, father and messiah to the same lady.
- Me and My Bitch – Notorious B.I.G – A tragic love story. Spoiler alert: Biggie’s lady ends up being shot through the heart with a bullet that was meant for the rapper himself. He cries. It’s all very sad. In between there’s some random dialogue about someone’s dick being cut off though…which kind of ruins the mood.
Choice lyric: “When I met you I admit, my first thoughts was to trick/ You look so good, I suck on your daddy’s dick/ I never felt this way in my life/ It didn’t take long before I made you my wife.” I just really, really hope that that’s the line that Biggie used to pick this lady up.
I wanted to include more rock songs in this list but it turns out that not many of them are about bitches unless they’re ‘cold, hard bitches’ or ‘ice queens’. Anyway, if you’re ever trying to impress the ladies, maybe just serenade her with one of these bad boys? It worked on a Kardashian. Maybe it’ll work on her too.