Vampire Flashback

When I went to the cinema the other day I was subjected to the trailer for the upcoming mess that is the end of the Twilight saga. There is no love lost between me and the Twilight “books” (I use the term loosely) and films. Aside from the fact that they’re badly written and have probably set feminism back about 50 years, the vampire mythology that Stephenie Meyer dreamed up to replace the tried and true ‘garlic, crosses and sunlight’ stuff is bollocks. I mean, really, Stephenie? Sparkles and baseball? Really? Whatever. I can’t right now. But it did get me thinking about other terrible vampire films that I’ve watched. (I was an avid consumer of the genre prior to the sudden vampire hysteria that happened post-Twilight.)

Everything about me says “shiny disco balls”.

I don’t know if any of you guys remember Dracula 2000 (not to be confused with Dracula 3000, which is REALLY bad, as opposed to just bad). I’d forgotten about it for a long time. Lucky for me (and you, maybe) the internet never forgets. This little gem came staggering into my line of vision a the other day. Apparently it’s been online for years without my knowledge. I’m very upset about this. Anyway, check it out.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is Gerard Butler, of 300 fame, auditioning for the role of Dracula in Dracula 2000. Amazing, no? There are so many things going on here, I don’t even know where to begin. What’s going on with the hair? Is it a wig? Is it natural? If it isn’t natural, then why did he think it was a good idea? Who was in charge of the eye-liner? Was it Gerard Butler’s initiative to put that much eyeliner on? Was it his initiative to put the eye-liner and the wig on together? Does he realise the script is terrible? So many questions. So few answers.

As a film, Dracula 2000 is pretty bad (and has a lot of Virgin Megastore product placement, randomly). To be honest, I didn’t make it through a whole rewatching because Butler’s accent was just so awful that I couldn’t cope. Needless to say, it’s very late-90s-early-00s in look and there’s a lot of puns about sucking. But thankfully, before the release date they had the common sense to re-work Butler’s look so that it was less… hair-extensions-and-eyeliner-based?

Kudos to whoever was in charge of that decision. Aside from that, the man has aged pretty well, I think.

Vampires are one of those things that people are going to keep writing. Unfortunately, with all that mythology and so much quality beforehand, it’s really easy to make a dick of yourself by becoming attached to some really terrible interpretation. Dracula 2000 is still a lot more fun than Twilight though. If you’re looking for something to do with your time and you want to revisit some of the vamp flicks that litter the pop culture landscape, this is worth a shot. You may fair a bit better than I did.

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2 thoughts on “Vampire Flashback

  1. “Sparkles and baseball? Really?”

    When I read that part of the book, that was when I realized how utterly stupid the whole fiasco was. (I’m a Twilight reviewer. Long story.)

    • It’s just absurd. I actually laughed out loud when I read the baseball bit. And then cried, because so many teenage girls were reading it thinking it was the best thing ever.

      Twilight reviewer? How? What?

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